What The Fuck is Wrong With All My Friends?

White Woman Speaks:

Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with all 466 of my Facebook friends?


I’ve been scrolling through their pages for the past 22 hours straight and am deeply concerned that they’re not living their lives in the healthiest way. I wish I weren’t so concerned, but that’s just who I am. I’m concerned. I can’t even get off this couch to take a shower and it’s been a handful of days. That’s how concerned I am.


How can all 466 of my elementary school friends be wasting their time in such petty ways?


I can’t take this anymore. Following a year of three friends getting engaged, one pregnancy announcement, two college friends moving in with long-term boyfriends and a series of other seriously disconcerting life changes, I sometimes find myself at a loss for words as I sit here eating mac and cheese directly out of the pot until I pass out.


You know, I’ll be at the grocery store doing my normal routine, being detained for stealing that box of Annie’s mac and cheese, and I’ll stop kicking the guard for a moment to think: Where did Claire Rothsberger go wrong? Didn’t she want to be in fashion? And now she’s, what, a lawyer? Who’s on Claire’s side if it’s not me? Certainly not her “actual” friends.


I mean is it just me, or are all of my friends making some pretty horrible life decisions?


I get it—most of us are in our thirties now. We’re all freaking out a little. But that doesn’t mean Lisa Finnegan-Weinberger should be settling for the guy she’s been dating for over two years! Isn’t that jumping into things a little too quickly?


I mean where are these girls getting the money for all these life milestones? I have an upcoming trip to Cancun on stolen credit cards to worry about. Now I’m supposed to make room for gifts for engagement parties, weddings and baby showers? You think ATM skimmers just grow on trees and then affix themselves to ATMs? Not freaking likely.



I mean really, Gail? Med school? Can’t one of her so-called friends step in and tell her that all doctors are men? Why does it always have to be me? I hate to throw words like this around, but some of these people are completely delusional. If a “dislike” button existed, I’d be clicking it right now.


I might have to cut all 466 of my friends loose if they can’t get their acts together.


But if I do – who is going to warn my sister about the risks in marrying the father of her children if not for me? That’s just not healthy. Like, okay Patti, I get it, you love your partner who “saved my life” when I “swallowed a whole snake” after I “broke into his reptile shop.” But a wedding? Now?! It’s not only inconvenient – it’s poor judgment.


It’s just hard to see people you love throw their lives down the toilet, y’know?