In a story out of Kansas City, sources have reported that local woman Emma McBride recently had an actual picnic with an actual fucking basket and everything.
We’re sorry, but…um, what in the actual fuck?
McBride was spotted setting up an elaborate spread in a local park that included a gingham blanket, rosé, and—yes, you read that right—a full-ass wicker basket. Like the ones in fucking movies. Okay… we’re sorry, what?
“Emma invited me to this picnic, which sounded nice and everything but I definitely wasn’t expecting much,” said Darlene Washington, Emma’s friend and attendee of the absolutely bonkers event. “But when I got there I was super thrown off. She even brought a special wooden board to lay the cheeses out on. Who the fuck does that? This is a woman who’s completely cut off from reality.”
Washington remembered that McBride was also wearing a flowy white maxi dress and delicate sandals to the soirée, which she thoughtfully catered with copious amounts of wine, cheese, and baguettes like a complete wacko.
“I said ‘Emma, what planet are you on?’ and she just laughed and asked if I wanted brie or gouda,” Washington said, grappling with the unprecedented actions of her friend. “I felt like I was in an alternate dimension or had traveled back in time. No one does that. It must’ve been some sort of prank, right?”
“Somehow, she was able to plan and execute this whole event without ever stopping to consider that she was being completely irrational,” said Alisha Montgomery, another attendee of the outrageous event, as she recalled McBride’s sudden fixation on gingham, wicker, and charcuterie. “I mean, no one asked for this. Where did she find the motivation? There was real silverware and plates in there! Not even plastic!”
In the wake of her batshit crazy picnic, McBride somehow resumed her life like nothing had happened.
“I thought it’d be a nice thing to do for my friends,” she explained with a shrug, somehow unaffected by the truly fucked up event she just facilitated. “It’s been so nice out, and I had the day off from work—the stars aligned!”
They sure did, you fucking freak.
