In a devastating story coming out the Amtrak Northeast Regional from Boston to New York, 26-year-old Georgia Klein is on a long train ride and therefore has ample room to brood, but her life is actually going pretty great now.
What the hell? She’s just letting this long, moody-ass train ride go to waste?
“I was so ready to sit down and dissociate for the entire four hours from here to New York – in fact, it’s one of my favorite things to do,” Georgia told reporters from inside the train car. “But as I sat down, ready to be taken by the waters of melancholy, I just started thinking about how awesome things are for me right now.”
Sources confirm Georgia has a job she’s passionate about, a girlfriend she loves, a house that feels like a home, and very few regrets.
“I thought if I couldn’t brood about the present at least I could brood about the past, but I just found myself being grateful for all the struggles I’ve faced because they’ve led me here,” she continued. “And any time I thought of an old love, I thought of them fondly – with the tender heart of a mature woman and the soft chuckle of someone who knows better now. What’s happening to me?”
Georgia tried to get herself in the wistful mood by playing the saddest songs known to man, but even that didn’t seem to help. She is just too up right now.
“I kept having to start the songs over because instead of locking in, I’d start thinking about how excited I am to take my girlfriend on a date when I get home,” she continued. “Do you think they’ll refund my ticket? I’m not getting the train experience I paid for.”
According to Amtrak, 20% of riders say they chose the train in order to get to their destination quickly, while the other 80% said they “have some shit to work through so can you just back off?”
Amtrak has yet to offer a discount for riders who are too joyful at the current moment to get the most out of their experience, but they do suggest that customers blow up their lives before embarking on their next trip.
As of press time, Georgia had arrived at her destination happier than she’d ever been, which is to say wholly unfulfilled.