In an inspiring story emerging from a bedroom in Brooklyn, NY, 23-year-old Pepper Hernandez had the day off work and just masturbated so many times she decided to take a Plan B just to be safe.
“I was really bored this afternoon and figured I would pass the time by masturbating more times than I thought humanly possible,” Pepper told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was re-fueling by eating whatever food dregs remained in her fridge. “Really awesome stuff. Immediately became paranoid that I’d somehow gotten pregnant, though.”
Pepper assured reporters she knows you can’t normally get pregnant via masturbation.
“Like, duh,” she continued. “But this was different from any of those other times. I was masturbating a lot and with no protection whatsoever. Like, I was masturbating so good I’m pretty sure it could lead to an accidental pregnancy.”
When asked to confirm that she was comfortable with this being reported to the public, Pepper said, “Yeah, bitch, let ‘em know.”
Pepper didn’t have any Plan B on hand, so she walked to the corner store to pick some up. The store owner was extremely judgmental and told Pepper she should “be more careful next time,” but Pepper didn’t let this get her down.
“Maybe think about how you never know what someone else is going through,” Pepper shot back at the store owner. “For example, I just had an amazing afternoon avoiding slack and getting to know myself, and I won’t apologize for it.”
Meanwhile, the people close to Pepper are concerned – not because of the masturbating, but because of the apparent tokophobia (fear of pregnancy).
“She knows she can’t get pregnant from a silicone vibrator, right? She knows that’s not how sexual reproduction works?” asked Pepper’s roommate, Harper Ritter. “Or is the issue that she thinks she masturbated so well that she should expect immaculate conception to occur?”
When reporters relayed this line of inquiry to Pepper, she got pretty excited.
“Woah, I didn’t even think of the possibility that maybe I jerked off so well I could be impregnated by a force beyond my reason,” she continued. “Better take a second Plan B!”
Reporters informed Pepper that taking a second Plan B would not do anything extra to prevent a pregnancy and in fact might negatively affect her body, but she was too busy throwing that thing back.
