In a hurtful story out of a dive bar in Chicago, IL, local 24-year-old Talia Nowak dejectedly reported that, apparently, the bartender working there is only making friends with some people.
Uhh, what the fuck?
“They’re talking and laughing with the people over there, but just being distantly cordial with me,” Talia told reporters, while drinking her fourth mojito of the evening. “It’s really unfair, especially because some of us came here alone with the sole intention of badgering the bartender into talking to us.”
Talia told reporters that the bartender’s preferential treatment was both baseless and hurtful.
“I heard the bartender laugh when the guy on the other end of the bar said, ‘Can you just make me something sweet? Just kidding, I wouldn’t do that to you,’” she said. “But when I said the exact same thing verbatim after they walked back over to my side of the bar, all they said was, ‘Are you just repeating what that guy over there said? Why would you do that?’ Obviously, the bartender was playing favorites. Why do only some people get to live in God’s light?”
Wow, people just don’t appreciate genuine connection these days!
Talia added that “it seems they only become friends with the normal, non-off-putting people who come in. Figures…”
Sources confirmed that immediately after Talia left the bar that night, she went home and left a damning Yelp review.
“Sorry, that’s just the kind of person I am,” she said. “If I feel even the slightest sense of disinterest or dismissal, I will try to do real harm to a person’s livelihood. Why won’t that bartender be friends with me!”
Reporters reached out to the bartender and were able to get their statement on the matter.
“I don’t know, man, I’m just there for the paycheck,” they said. “I’m not really trying to make friends with anyone. Yeah, some patrons are easier than others, but I do my best to give quality service to everyone. Still, I recently got a terrible Yelp review that really hurt my feelings. My manager even asked me to come in for a meeting, which can’t be good. It’s probably about the part of the review where the person said I called them a ‘little piss pig’ with my eyes, which is something I make a point of never doing. It just sucks that someone would make up lies about me.”
When reporters relayed all of this information to Talia, she feigned ignorance and continued playing the victim.
“That wasn’t my review, it must’ve been somebody else who got emotionally scorned by that bartender,” she said. “They should be fired. Or at least made to be friends with everyone and have a little non-forced chit chat with everyone and laugh at everyone’s jokes about how I wanted to give them a wedgie for not putting enough mint in my mojito. One or the other.”
