Wow, you’re finally getting married! Time to write those vows. He’s your best friend, and you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with him. No, even better: He is your world, your shelter, your one true love! You should probably end with that line, right? Wrong, crazypants, and you almost destroyed any chance you ever had at happiness! Your wedding vows are not some free-for-all pass to express your deepest, most passionate, hyperbolic feelings for this guy. That would just scare him away and ruin a perfectly good party for everyone! You really want your loved ones to see you at that kind of low point? We didn’t think so. Instead, use your vows as an opportunity to show the world that you’re really chill and not at all desperate to share everlasting love with the man you just swore you’d love forever. Here are some vows to help you keep it light and casual on the most special day of your life:
1. “Over every other person in the world I could be with, and there are literally MILLIONS, I chose you.”
While they’re technically meant to seal your souls together forever, your wedding vows are also a great opportunity to remind your man of how sexually desirable you still are. Let him know that there are hundreds of millions of unmarried men in the world with whom you could rent out a catering hall and say, “I do.” Just because you two have an apartment and two cats doesn’t mean you’re all hung up on him! The message will really hit home if you invite some old flames to the ceremony. Your tuxedoed new hubby will feel a visceral panic at the thought of losing you to one of your many admirers, a dozen of whom are seated, panting, in the front row of the church (because you gave them each $100 and specific instructions on how to pant). Once you awaken his caveman instincts, he’ll be ready to pledge eternal love to you, with all the desperation of Leo DiCaprio clinging onto a floating door. You’ve still got it!
2. “I love you BUT I will always love you less than you love me.”
Use your vows to clearly explain that you’re not the vulnerable one in this relationship. Such indifference will be a total turn-on: Your man finds you most erotic when he thinks you’re not that into him. It’s just pheromones! Meanwhile, his friends and family will wonder how he landed such a cool, blasé chick who would never secretly wonder if he’s cheating or freak out if he doesn’t answer the phone. Just kidding! As if you’d ever actually call him. What is this, Fatal Attraction?
3. “On this day, I give you my heart. If you, like, want it. Your choice. I’m not gonna lose sleep over it.”
If you want to hold onto your man, you can’t go wearing your heart on your bridal sleeve. For wedding vows that perfectly DGAF, try openly declaring your ambivalence for the whole arrangement. As you become a wife, you take on the feminine duty of keeping alive the alluring mix of mystery and insecurity that made him fall for you in the first place.
4. “I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am.”
Try a wedding vow that lets everyone know you are the true love of your own life! As you enter a legally binding partnership with your boo, reaffirm your essential spiritual independence with this goddess-like, somewhat confusing ode to self-actualization. Now, everyone will know that you are your own knight in shining armor. And your man will feel lucky as hell to be hitching a ride on your white horse!
Once you’re happily hitched and headed off for your honeymoon, you’ll be grateful you played it so cool during the ceremony! Here’s to a lifetime of never scaring him away!
