We’ve all been there: the guy has looks, a great sense of humor, and he’s totally amazing with your family – because he’s your cousin, Ted. But don’t fret. There are a few easy ways you can continue your lifelong illicit crush without anybody ever noticing.
Steal glances at him only when you’re sure he won’t notice.
Just because he’s your cousin doesn’t mean you can’t admire him quietly and secretly. Watch him lustfully when he’s talking to your Aunt Peggy about his plans for grad school, or while he’s sleeping. But even if you think you might be getting a vibe, do NOT make lingering eye contact! He’s your cousin, you weirdo! Just carry an unsatisfied attraction to him for your whole life like a normal person.
Continue to date, and even marry, as usual.
Dating other guys, and especially marrying one, is a surefire way to throw friends and relatives off the trail that you have a lady boner for your cuz. Now it’s not weird that you have a picture of him and him alone on your fridge. No one who is married has ever had feelings for anyone else!
If others compliment his appearance, act surprised.
If friends see pictures of him and comment on how totally hot he is, be sure to loudly and clearly say things like, “Really? I guess I’ve never noticed, since he’s my cousin and all.” This makes it totally seem like you definitely never thought about what it would be like to kiss Ted on the mouth.
Use your familial circumstances to get close to him.
If you’re ever put in a bed-sharing-type situation, like during family vacations or funerals, make sure to a) Arrange it so you and Ted will definitely have to share a bed or tent, but b) Make it seem like you’re totally mad about it. Note: Be aware there’s always the risk this can backfire and your stupid Uncle Rick will say something like, “Well if you have such a problem with it, I’ll share with Ted.” It’s a chance you’ll have to take for the sake of the secret.
Act grossed out by the idea of having sex with a cousin.
When people talk about cousin-on-cousin incest, like in the Deep South or medieval Europe, make sure to say things like, “Gross!” and “That’s nasty!” That way, even people who maybe suspect your secret a little will now think, “Wow—my assumption was way off-base based on her clearly sincere and unambiguous comments just now.”
So there you have it! A few quick and foolproof ways to throw people off the trail that you totally kind of have a thing for your second-degree relative. And you never know—Ted might be harboring the same secret feelings for you. But more likely it’s for your cousin Kelsey, because let’s be honest—she’s smokin’ and if you weren’t straight and she wasn’t your cousin (and maybe if she was) you’d hit that shit hard.
