Want to Make a Throw Pillow or Some Shit?

Hey, you sad fucks. Want to make a throw pillow or some shit? No? Yes? Why the fuck not? Here’s how you can do work to have some more shit in your house. That’s what you wanted, right? Go ahead, read on:


You basically need a sewing machine. Is that a problem?

First things first, you pretty much need a sewing machine to even do this. Do you have one? If not, you’re welcome to just keep reading this as part of the 75 articles you read online a day while you haven’t finished a novel in months. Truly no worries either way, it’s my job to bang out five DIY home project articles a day and I hate it as much as you’re going to hate how your throw pillow turns out, so just do your thing (or not). I don’t really care.


Cut your fabric.

Take measurements carefully. You can always cut away more but you can’t make it any bigger. Trace a line of where you’re going to cut, grab your scissors, then spin out in existential dread by first asking yourself, “Why am I even doing this?” then sort of running with that to the broader, “Why do I do anything?” and even, “Is it just narcissism that causes me to want to accomplish anything in life when truly I know my existence is an insignificant fleck in the sands of time, or is it fear of death?” Then snap out of it and just keep making the pillow or whatever. Do you have the actual pillow insert? That’s important.


Put a sweater on it?

Make your throw pillow out of an old sweater or some bullshit.



Add some felt decorations to your fabric.



Finish the job.

Sew the shit together and put it on the other thing. If you feel frustrated because it came out badly or won’t fit, that’s good because it means you care about something. You care about your dumb little pillow — it’s actually kind of nice.


Congratulations on making a throw pillow if you did it. Want to make a fucking candle next? Fine. See if I give a shit.