In an inspiring story of perennial uncool, 30-year-old Isa Miller is reportedly not worried about any vibe shift coming to put an expiration date to her tastes, because she was literally never cool at any point in time.
“People are talking about how vibe shifts might sweep through and leave them on the wrong side of a macro-trend,” said Isa. “Luckily for me, I’ve just been hanging out on Quora and shopping at The Limited all these years, so I guess I’m playing that 7-D chess. You can’t be out if you were never in, suckers!”
Isa argues that in these uncertain market conditions, the smart strategy is actually to be 100% uncool – and not just ironically off-trend, defiant, or counterculture-cool, but actually literally uncool by any imaginable criteria or sensibility.
“I have no idea what Euphoria is,” said Isa. “Is that like, a deodorant?”
According to reports, Isa is going against the current of the Euphoria craze, but not by re-watching Seinfeld (normcore), Frasier (neo-normcore), Jackass (camp), or The Sopranos (timeless). Instead, Isa protects herself from the coming vibe shift by binge-ing The Big Bang Theory, Dancing with the Stars, and occasionally, old Ray William Johnson YouTube videos.
“It’s just so freeing to not wonder if Kankens have finally been memed out yet, or if your take on NFTs is hypercurrent enough,” said Isa. “I’m just here jamming to ‘TiK ToK’ – not the app, the Ke$ha song.”
According to studies, Isa is truly a rare specimen in that she has always been on the other side of cultural trends, by getting into them too late or too early.
Isa loved Britney Spears during her Till the World Ends era, and then stopped during the recent 00’s revival. During the pandemic, Isa says she’s fallen back in love with 3OH!3, Owl City, Hot Chelle Rae, and of course, Drake.
“I just love his flow,” said Isa. “And I love his lil holiday sweaters. So hotline bling.”
“It works to my advantage because if culture changes and the vibe shifts towards me, I look like a genius,” she said. “And if it shifts further away – actually, it can’t possibly shift further away. I’m at the brink.”
Isa says being literally permanently uncool has freed her from the exhaustion of meme-forecasting and counter-bandwagoning.
Isa, who is a top answerer on Quora and proud owner of a Motorola (smartphone, not Razr), said she spent her quarantine organizing her Facebook photo albums, catching up on reading Richard Dawkins and other New Atheist canon, and restocking on Kiss band merch.
At press time, Isa was reported to be the least cool and most free person in North America.
