‘Ugh, Typical Straight White Man,’ Says Typical Straight White Woman

In predictable news coming out of Brooklyn, NY, typical straight white woman Jessica Green pointed out the despicable behavior of a typical straight white man, who is merely a gender away from being her, socioeconomically, racially, and otherwise. 


Witnesses report that all of this took place in line at a new white-owned cafe located in a historically Black neighborhood. 


“Oh my god, did you see that?” Jessica said to a friend. “That guy over there just cut the whole line. Ugh, typical straight white man.”


According to other patrons, this was interesting coming from her since a few minutes before she called one of the baristas ‘sis’, and then asked if she could touch their hair. 


We were also able to speak with other friends and acquaintances of Jessica, who informed us that this was evidently of a pattern of hers.



“One time she told me that there were too many white people in Brooklyn,” Jessica’s friend Whitney said. “Even though she’s literally one of the white people here. Maybe she doesn’t think she counts because she’s a woman? I don’t know.”


“I saw her shove 15 different people on a subway platform once to get inside the train car before anyone else could,” one acquaintance reported. “It was weird because all she talks about is ‘making space for other people’.”


“Whenever I tried to talk to her about race in America,” another acquaintance said, who preferred to stay anonymous. “She would always try to pivot the conversation to say that white men are the real problem, and that women need to stick together, which would be really nice if it were true.”


“I’m colorblind,” Jessica told reporters. “Except when I see a straight white man doing something wrong. Then I can see race and sexuality.”


Despite what Jessica may think, all of these actions point to the fact that she could actually be in the 90th percentile for the most typical straight white women.


At press time, Jessica is determined to lead the charge against straight white men, even though she’s straight and white, too.