In a win for the old ways of doing things, 26-year-old Shandra Kee finally got so fed up with the dating scene in New York that she’s decided to go back to basics: She drove her Chevy to the levee with the hopes of finding a few of the good old boys drinking whiskey and rye.
That’s it! Take matters into your own hands, Miss American Pie!
“I tried my hand at dating in the ‘modern sense’ for the last couple of years, but it just hasn’t done the trick,” Shandra told reporters gathered at the scene, where she had arrived at the levee only to find that the levee was dry. “Year after year it just felt like February made me shiver with every paper I’d deliver.”
When asked what the hell she was talking about, Shandra clarified that by “every paper I’d deliver,” she meant “every text she sent to a guy saying it wouldn’t work out.”
“Yeah, you know how it is,” she continued, taking a swig from a flask dramatically. “I’m just a lonely teenage broncin’ buck with a pink carnation and a pickup truck. Somebody’s got to want me, right?”
Sources confirm Shandra drives a Chevy Malibu, which is more like a mid-sized family car, but the “pickup truck” line was most likely meant to curate a vibe more so than be a literal statement.
Ever since swearing off dating apps, Shandra has driven her Chevy to the levee every Friday night and parked there waiting for the boys to arrive.
“Guys my age just aren’t cutting it,” she continued. “I want to have real conversations, you know? Like: Did you write the book of love? And do you have faith in God above, if the Bible tells you so? Then we’d go on to even more deep questions, like do you believe in rock ‘n’ roll? Can music save your mortal soul?”
Reporters confirm Shandra went on like this for a while.
“Anyway, most of the time when I get to the levee it’s just guys in their 60s who’ve had the same idea as me,” she continued. “We sing dirges in the dark, you know, talking about the day the music died.”
As of press time, Shandra had given up on her plan because none of the guys who arrived were hot.
