In surprising news coming out of Austin, TX, 26-year-old Colleen Montgomery decided to cook a homemade meal for herself, causing her to immediately transform into a trad wife despite her prior, consistent hatred for the ideology.
Okay, hostess with the mostest!
“I don’t know what came over me,” Colleen told reporters while wearing both hair curlers and an apron for the first time in her life. “Once I decided to bake some chicken thighs and mix a little salad on the side, there was no turning back. I just love being a homemaker!”
She really was born in the wrong generation!
Colleen also expressed the importance of always taking care of her husband’s needs before her own, even though she is not romantically involved with anyone at the moment and shares an apartment with her best friend from college.
“The feminists will tell you that what I’m doing is ‘wrong,’” Colleen told reporters while applying makeup in the mirror. “But what they don’t realize is that women need providers so they can focus on more rewarding work, like raising their children at home.”
Upon hearing this statement, Collen’s roommate Sheila Marks was thoroughly confused.
“She doesn’t have any kids, and she’s always been adamant on never having them,” she told reporters while hiding in her bedroom. “I don’t know what’s going on. It smelled so good in the kitchen earlier but when I asked what she was making she just told me that I would never attract a masculine man if I kept wearing sweatpants all the time.”
Wow! She’s on a roll!
Colleen was so confident in her newfound lifestyle that she even started a new TikTok account where she posted a series of videos detailing strict guidelines on how to be a proper housewife.
“You should never want a career as a woman,” Colleen told her followers despite having a full-time job as a data analyst. “The most important things you should focus on is your commitment to God, then your husband, then telling other women what to do, and then your kids.”
At press time, Colleen had eaten her home cooked meal and learned that it actually tasted horrible, which led her to lose all of the traditional ideals she previously held dear.
“That was so weird,” Colleen said upon waking up from her daze. “I’m just gonna order Uber Eats actually.”
