Company woman Stacy Edel spent her entire career trying to find ways to increase her company’s profits and minimize financial losses, but she still worried about one day being laid off. That is, until she discovered a rare skill she had that no one else could: barfing money onto the conference room table. “It was weird,” Edel explains, “It was like my boss didn’t really appreciate me until I realized I could do this weird trick where I’d stick my finger down my throat at meetings and was able to barf up piles of cash onto the table.”
From that fateful quarterly meeting onward, Edel knew she was irreplaceable to her employer. “Yeah, you could say it feels good” she says, smiling. “The job security, not the barfing. The barfing hurts a lot.”
Edel says barfing money onto the conference room table has really given her the extra confidence she needed in the workplace. “At first I thought nobody liked me here. But since I started barfing money, I have been given much more positive validation. People invite me out for drinks, over for dinner, everywhere—and all I have to do is show them my money-barfing trick.” Edel adds, “It’s amazing how responsive people are when you discover your hidden gifts.”
David Li, one of Edel’s supervisors says, “Stacy has always been very valuable to the company, even before she was barfing several currencies of money onto conference room tables at work. Dollars, Euros, yen—I even saw some gold buillon in one puke. But we think of her no differently now than did before. Stacy has always understood the company’s objectives and worked to help it meet those goals.”
“I prepare for meetings just the same as I always have,” Edel says, “I put reports and PowerPoints on projected earnings together. Only difference is now I lay a tarp out on the conference room table so we can catch those earnings. But overall not much different from before.”
“We have been encouraging her to grow here,” says Li. “And she is highly motivated to prove that she is versatile.” Last week, Edel explains, Li had her take a shit on his desk to see what might come out. “We’re still in R&D on the shitting project,” says Li, “I’m having one of our research analysts sift through the results to see whether there’s anything of value in there, but so far, it’s just poop.”
“I hated that,” whispers Edel.
Still, she remains optimistic. “I can’t wait to bring as much to the table moving forward as I possibly can,” Edel says between dry heaves. “I am sure my output will only continue to grow and add value to the company as a whole.”
