I’m having a big blowout summer party on Saturday. Since I’ve been planning this party for months now, and have invested a great deal into making this THE PARTY of the year, if no one comes, I’ll be really fucking embarrassed. But don’t take it from me – here’s why you should come to my party, based on your zodiac sign:
Aries
Apparently this is not the ideal month for you to make a long-term commitment, so DON’T! Saturday is just a couple days away, so there is nothing long-term about you committing to coming to my party. Looks like you have to! Also you’re a natural-born leader so you should get some of your friends to come, too.
Taurus
Taurus’s are all about nesting this month, so lean into your home life and buy something nice for your home. I mean, I’ll throw in some cash to buy you a couch if you come to my party! Seriously, I just need butts in seats at my party. Looks like coming to my party is in the stars for you!
Gemini
Gentle and affectionate Geminis, this is the time for reaching out to the people around you and enjoying the connections you are making. Which, honestly, sounds a LOT like going to a party? Choose mine! Please!!
Cancer
The major themes of your month are business, learning and security. So learn about the security system on my house when you come to my party, okay? I’ll literally give you the code so you can come early, stay late, whatever!! Just please fucking come!!?? I put my whole LIFE into this FUCKING PARTY!!
Leo
You may feel like taking the driver’s seat in your life more this month. So get in the car, and drive to, hmm I don’t know, how about my party? It’s only an hour outside of the city, I’ll reimburse you for gas, and I’ll wash your car while you’re partying! Also you have a new relationship in your stars and I will definitely hook all you Leos up with my friend Lisa who paints.
Virgo
You’re apparently supposed to be introspective this month, but honestly fuck the stars. Saturday. 3pm. COOL?! Cool, right??
Libra
Apparently this month you’re supposed to be more social than you’ve ever been before. So if you don’t come to my party, I’m going to take it personally!!! Ha, ha. See you soon. I’ll be waiting by the door.
Scorpio
Wow, it looks like you have an increased commitment to climbing the ladder of success this month. Instead, just climb the ladder of my pool! Come on, you’re a Scorpio!!
Sagittarius
Eat a burger. How is THAT in your horoscope?? Well, boy, do I know where to get one!! MY PARTY.
Aquarius
You’re going to have sex soon. That’s right, I’ll have sex with you if you come to my party!! Bring protection!! Or I can!! Just LMK!
Pisces
Your family will die. Yeah, I will kill them. I will. Unless you come to the party. You should bring them too!!
SEE YOU SATURDAY. 3 PM. ASTROLOGY SAYS YOU MUST AND WE’RE ALL OBSESSED WITH ASTROLOGY RIGHT?!?! RIGHT? MY PARTY IS ASTROLOGY THEMED SO THIS IS IMPORTANT. I hope everyone can come! Otherwise I’ll probably drown myself.
