Winter is upon us, things are looking bleak, and we know that at some point you’re just going to need to dropkick a honey glazed ham as far and as hard as you can. You know it’s going to happen, we know it’s going to happen, so stop lying to yourself and let us help you find the perfect ham for you.
Boar’s Head Maple Glazed Honey Coat® Ham
Kickability: 7
Satisfaction Level: 8
Boar’s Head Maple Glazed Honey Coat Ham isn’t the best one out there, but you know, sometimes you have to settle. Like when you’re at a party and your “friend” Louisa is talking to Ben even though she knows you guys have been flirting for at least three weeks on Instagram and that maybe you were going to finally talk IRL tonight, but whatever. You take that ham and you drop it and you kick it. That will get Ben’s attention for SURE. It isn’t as firm as some of the other hams out there, but maybe you and Ben will finally talk after your hands touch when you go for the same shard of ham as you try to pick it out of the carpet. Worth it!
Hickory Farms HoneyGold® Ham
Kickability: 5
Satisfaction Level: 7.5
This HoneyGold® ham is perfect to kick with all of your might when someone deeply wrongs you. Say, for example, someone steals your parking space. Say that person definitely saw you waiting and actively chose to take the space from you. Say that person got out of their car and it was that girl Louisa who was practically hanging on Ben last weekend, which he probably hated, but men are weak and her tactics will probably wear him down someday soon. You could hit her and drive away and probably get away with it but haha that would be so crazy! Better kick a ham instead!
Hillshire Farm Baked Honey Cured Ham
Kickability: 9
Satisfaction Level: 9
Hillshire’s Honey Cured Ham is so close to being flawless. The stickiness of the honey really connects with everything it comes in contact with, leaving a coat of hammy residue that lasts for days. This ham is ideal for kicking in a public place because somehow baking it makes it even more satisfying to punt into the air. Though it’s perfect for most situations, the best use of it is when you’ve been cut in line at the movies and then you realize it’s Ben and he’s not really cutting he’s there meeting Louisa but maybe they’re just friends and it’s totally chill but then they kiss. You. Kick. That. Ham.
Store Brand Ham
Kickability: 3
Satisfaction Level: 10
Generic ham is no one’s first choice. It’s a last resort. It’s an act of desperation. A cry for help. Generic brand is for when you’ve just gotten off the phone with your mom and need a pick-me-up, so you pour yourself a glass of wine, open your laptop, and finally treat yourself to that panini press on Amazon, but first you check Facebook, and there you see it—Ben and Louisa made it Facebook official. You get in your car. You drive to the nearest ShopRite. You get the first honey-glazed ham you see, and you bust that baby wide open in the deli aisle. They might call the manager and you’ll definitely have to pay for it, but you’ll feel fresh as a daisy after. The ham is nameless, a blank canvas, ready to start its life all over again.
Homemade Ham
Kickability: 10
Satisfaction Level: Infinite
When it comes to butchering, there is something to be said for going the DIY route with a homemade ham. However, it’s a real time commitment, so it’s best to save it for when something really truly horrendous happens—like getting Ben and Louisa’s Save the Date. Time to slaughter a pig! Drive to the nearest hog farm under the cover of night, find a quiet-looking male, throw a bag over its head to muffle the squeals, put a bullet in its head, throw it in the trunk of your Toyota Yaris, and drive home, forever changed. Clean and butcher it in your backyard, and then get cooking! You can pretty much just Google “honey-glazed ham recipe” and pick whichever one comes up first. Once it’s done smoking or roasting or whatever, you take it to the roof, you hold it out over your foot, and YOU. DROP. THAT. HAM.
There you have it: a ham for every situation! Even in the darkest of times, these little porkers are sure to get you through and put a smile on your face. So go forth and kick those hams!
