The Best Tools for Contouring Your Face into Oblivion

Contouring can be tricky, and it’s hard to get it just right. Fortunately, you follow Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist on Instagram, so you know contouring is the only way to do a face. Now it’s time to take it to the next level! Get a fresh and original contour by altering the illusion of your face so much that you’re no longer recognizable as yourself…or even a human being on this realm of existence.


Step 1: Highlight cheekbones, forehead, and nose until blinding.

The most important ingredient in contouring is the highlight. Take that way too far by pitching that three-shades-lighter foundation and going straight for the neon white paint. Dunk your face in the paint until you feel like you’ve left this world for another place for just a little while. You’ll leave them thinking, “What am I looking at? How is this abstract painting speaking to me?”



Step 2: Shadow under cheeks, jaw, and temples until you disappear.

The next step is just as important as the first: shadow. Again, forget the cream and simply slather the curves of your face in pure darkness; the kind only found in the most remote caves and deep ocean trenches. Now you’re not just hot; you’re a hot black hole that people should be careful not to fall into. When people look at you, they’ll feel like they just opened their eyes in a pitch-black room. Way to stand out from the rest of the contouring disciples on your newsfeed!


Step 3: Repeat until you forget who you are.

Now continue alternating the previous two steps for as long as you feel like. You want to keep doing it until looking at your face feels weird, like repeating the word “cloud” until it loses all meaning. It’s the perfect way to take your contour to a whole new level, or dimension, or plane of existence. What’s your name, even? Does it matter? What is anything?


Step 4: Blendy-brush the last remaining traces of this existence away.

No longer will your blending blend in with the crowd! Allow the blush to gently combine the light and dark elements of your face until you appear less like a walking selfie and more like an old soup that someone poured into a dirty river. You’ll go from “WOW” to “WHO?!” in no time!



Pointy-brush toward your unwritten future.

Finish off your look with a makeup brush that is slanted to a tip. Simply push the other end of the brush into your face for a really long time. Relentlessly stick your skin until you get a kind of “scratch-off card that your uncle got frustrated with and threw on the floor” look. Everyone will forget that you’re a woman and start treating you like the vague concept you’ve always dreamed of being.


Contouring is about tricking people into looking at your face, and what better way to do that than you turning it into an optical illusion? These makeup tricks are the perfect way to find your distinct personality, then remove it from this plane of existence.