Smoky Eye Looks for When You’re Really Confident You Won’t Cry

Watch out, these smoldering styles aren’t funeral-safe! Or PMS-safe! Or watching-TV-safe. Check out our favorite sexy looks that say, “My emotions are bottled up and double-bagged.” Perfect for days when everything is glam and nothing hurts!




Coal Miner’s Reverie

This black mass around your eyes will shroud you in an alluring air of mystery. Just make sure your borderline depression is also kept under wraps and you don’t think about your job or your ex or your family tonight. Furtively crying in the bathroom of O’Leary’s Pub just got a lot trickier!








Cat Eye Eclipse

For those special occasions when the light in your life isn’t being blocked by uncontrollable circumstances, lay on a thick, dark cat eye for extra sex appeal. Kind of reminds you of when your brother accidentally ran the cat over with his Jeep mere hours before you were going to put it peacefully to sleep. Wait, don’t think about that; anything but THAT.




Ebony Enchantment

Cast a magical lust spell with this shadowy sensation. Sorry, no love spells available. You can’t MAKE someone love you, stupid. Not even your sister. But, manage to keep your peepers dry for the night and someone just might boink you!




Black Beauty

Seduce that stallion you’ve had your eye on for months, but have been too afraid to express definitive signs of attraction toward because you always get rejected and are a sad, sad person. On the off chance that even this killer look can’t make you hot (it’s not a miracle worker!), remember: You’ll only be less attractive with inky tear blobs running down your face. For optimal effect, keep your eyes as dry as your vagina has been for the past four months.









Sensual Starless Night

This celestial wonder is sure to make him rock-hard. Don it for a night out on the town with your man, or other people that like you, but haven’t known you long enough to be bored of the same three stories you always tell! If you can’t make yourself have fun for even one night and need to cry, beware: You will look as messy on the outside as you do on the inside.


Now you’re ready to show the world just how hot and unemotional you can be. Go ahead and bury your pain down deep under a stratum of eye shadow!