An array of people will be in attendance at this year’s office holiday party, from your work crush Trevor (whose new haircut is right) to Evelyn in payroll (who can be kind of condescending at times, right?). This year, you will show them how you really feel about them all over again by getting way too drunk and being carried out and placed into an Uber by whomever is willing to help you because you came alone. Who knows, it might just be Trevor who helps you out, so it’s important to know what to wear to convey that you are fun, flirty, obliterated, and ready to mingle.
Textured Skater Dress with Pleated Hem (ASOS, $53.75)
Make sure your dress is long enough that your panties won’t be completely visible when you’re hoisted over your hero’s shoulder, but short enough that they know you’re “fun drunk” and not “sad drunk”.
Very Sexy Push-Up Bra in Smokey Pearl (Victoria’s Secret, $59.50)
Wear a bra that brings out the best in your boobs. Even though you’ll be floppy and flailing about, your boobs shouldn’t be. They should be stiff and perky, like all those Manhattans you just drank.
Chunky Heel Platform Pumps in Nude (Charlotte Russe, $35.99)
These are cute, but honestly, it doesn’t matter what shoes you wear; you’ll have taken them off and lost one, so don’t wear a pair you’re very attached to.
Scünci No-Slip Grip Chunky Jaw Clips (Drugstore.com, $3.19 for 5)
Wear your hair down, but be sure to bring a hair tie or clip of some sort for when you need some alone time to vomit in the ladies’ room. Note: Make sure to tell everybody that you were throwing up and not pooping. Pooping is gross but throwing up Jäger is a natural process that happens to everybody.
Soko Double Moto Lariat (Forever21, $55)
Let Jimmy Fallon’s horrifying finger injury be a warning to keep jewelry to a minimum. One long necklace dangling from your limp, useless body should do the trick. Anything more than that and you run the risk of accidentally shackling yourself to your futon cover.
A Smile (Model’s own)
Most importantly, you should wear a smile. That’s a given, being that it’s customary to try and smile even though you’re slowly blacking out. Plus, you’ll look so pretty!
Keep in mind that you’re not doing this for the attention, but you kind of are. And believe us: Your bosses will appreciate it!