Hey there, human women taking up all that space! By now you know everything there is to know about keeping your body svelte and toned, but what about your shadow? Unfortunately, diet and exercise have no effect on that damning patch of shade, so your best bet is to schedule dates, business meetings, and other important engagements during the times of day when your shadow will naturally be slimmest. Let’s get started!
Early Morning
Ahhh, the wee hours of the morn. Roosters crow, the earth sparkles with dew, and your shadow has never looked more bangable. Because the sun is so low in the sky, your gray, two-dimensional shadow self will appear Karlie Kloss-level slim. “Do you model?” your date that you dragged out of bed at six AM will say in awe. Respond with something coy like, “Oh, I dabble,” while winking at the sun. Thanks, shadow!
Late Afternoon
As with early morning, the late afternoon timeslot boasts a low sun and therefore an extra slender shadow-bod for you. Hello, after-work walk-and-talk with your boss! Your shadow will look hella tight, so thank God you wore that pencil skirt that will totally show it off. By the time you two get where you’re going, your shadow will look like one of those blow-up spaghetti-legged men they have at car dealerships. Ugh, the dream!!!
Night
What’s slimmer than Kate Moss? Nonexistent, which is what your shadow will be if you arrange your rendezvous for the night of a new moon. This is great for whittling your floor-twin down to nothing, except that with your shadow gone, whomever you’re with will be extra-focused on your real body. It’s best to make sure you do your sit-ups every day and stay out of well-lit establishments! Once there are artificial lights involved, who knows what state your shadow will be in?
A Total Solar Eclipse
A total solar eclipse has all the shadow-erasing effects of nighttime, plus the added benefit of the element of surprise! If you’re around friends at the time of the eclipse, you can expect compliments such as, “Has your shadow lost surface area? I can’t even see it anymore! Also, where are you?” Hooray! Your shadow has been successfully eliminated. Now would be a great time to bust out the bikini—if only the sun would come back!
You don’t need a fancy gym membership or organic quinoa to get the shadow body of your dreams. All you need is a commitment to staying inside during fat-shadow hours and hope for the best. Shave inches off and feel confident in your umbra-self with these hot tips—we promise you’ll love your new shadow!
