From the towering pine trees that muffle the screams to the crystal clear lake that aids the bloody cleanup, murderers just love murdering by cabins nestled deep in the Maine woods. Here are some fantastic options for where you would like to run around, screaming, half naked covered in your own blood as your plead for the neighbors to help you; too bad they aren’t home or have already been slaughtered.
1. This One Decorated with Hunting Gear
Guns go with the woodsy theme, but they also go great with murder. Upon further inspection of these seemingly ornamental items, you’ll find they’re locked and loaded for a wandering murderer to blow your brains out. Three rifles by the mantle, two shelves of ammo and your dead body under a tree. This gem is always available for Labor Day weekend.
2. This One Without Reception
Can you hear me now? No, but the escaped mental patient in the mask holding the chainsaw can! Waving your phone in the air is Maine woods code for “Look at this very alive and vulnerable body!” To contact someone to say goodbye forever, walk down that secluded road until you get to the vintage gas station and ask the man in the overalls wiping something dark off of his hands with a blue rag to use his landline.
3. All of the Ones By The Lake
A cleanup-free death by a mouthful of lake water is a favorite of OCD assassins. Was it a murder, or an accident while you were swimming with all of your clothes on? Pass the time with a quick game of Skinny Dipping to Your Doom. No lifeguard supervision needed – you’re being watched by the “Cable Repair Man” squatting behind the blueberry bush refilling a tranquilizer dart.
4. That One With the Rusty Tractor
It may not look like a working piece of machinery, but when the right murderer comes along, he’ll throw your body under that John Deere like manure on parched grass. Might as well tell Mom to put a coffin filled with packing peanuts on hold, cause a stay at this cabin will lead to a closed casket funeral.
5. The One on the Edge of the Cliff Overlooking Jagged Rock
“Jackpot,” said the Murderer. You’ll be thrown off that cliff before you can say, “It’s so beaut…”. The most painful of all of the deaths, this cabin is for the tough-skinned, which will be tested by a sharp pointed object thrust through your abdomen after a confusing minute of dark, weightless freefall. Happy dying!
Maine – home of moose, picturesque mountains, and a bevy of murder. If you really want to guarantee a tombstone date in the near future, pick one of these cabins and draft a will because you are sure to die a gruesome, terrifying death, at night, after a terrifying final chase around the backyard by a deranged maniac.
