Whether you’re dressing up for a dinner date or dressing down for a hayride, jeans are a versatile wardrobe staple. But it can feel impossible to find a pair that flatters your unique shape and fits comfortably in all the right places. This guide will help you find the ideal jeans to fit your body type, but sadly nothing will stop your thighs from rubbing clean through them, regardless. Sorry!
Pear Shaped Body
If you have a slimmer upper body with a curvier lower half, look for bootcut jeans with a mid to high rise. This flattering cut, combined with a high-quality stretch denim should give you plenty of room in the butt and hips, but somehow you’ll still erode two gaping, ragged holes through the inner thigh seams within months! You can’t win!
Apple Shaped Body
Complement your broader torso and accentuate your narrower hips with a straight leg style in a sturdier denim. Unfortunately, no denim is sturdy enough to withstand the truly average amount of walking you do! The fabric between your legs will quickly disintegrate, as if rubbed against a cheese grater, and your thigh skin will ooze through a cluster of tattered, misshapen holes whenever you sit down! Yikes! You’re just a little friction factory!
High-waisted cropped cuts are best for you, but let’s be real, you’re more like a ticking time bomb than an hourglass, because any sudden movement will explode the tiniest rip into a straight up slash between your inner thigh and ass cheek. The rest of this pair of jeans will remain in pristine condition, but the hole will be WAY too high to ever repurpose them into cutoffs! How does this always happen?! Are your thighs like, sharp?!?!
A flared silhouette would be really fun and lovely with your figure, but your toned, muscular thighs will probably be like goddamned sandpaper against each other in any style you try, soooooo just wear a really long sweater and keep a roll of duct tape nearby for when the inseam splits. Sorry!!!
No matter your body type, your perfect pair of jeans is out there, though you’ll basically incinerate the groin fabric before you even leave the dressing room. Maybe just buy multiple pairs? Or like, find some fun crotch patches and watch a sewing tutorial on YouTube? You know what? Fuck it all – let’s just put on some leggings.