It goes without saying that farts, though vile and cantankerous, are really warm and loving by nature. From the moment you realize something is brewing inside your septic tank to the moment you release that effervescent putridity onto an open canvas of unsuspecting bystanders, you can’t help but love your fart. Farts are boundless, like branches on a tree; they reach out and touch everyone. But wait—what if not everyone you care about is around to suffer your fart with you? Well, that’s what Twitter is for! Here are eight social media-friendly farts we absolutely adore:
This fart literally eats your shorts and announces its own arrival with glee as it emerges from your a-hole. It toots four consecutive times to the tune of “Ay, caramba!” then wraps its tubby hands around your neck until you gasp for air, crying, “Why you LITTLE!—” We love this fart not only because it makes your hair stand at attention, but also because its effortless, underachieving characteristics make it so cool to be around. So go on! Don’t be shy—impress him (and your Insta following!) with your #FartSimpson today.
Ah yes, the classic twitch and ditch. This is fart power at its finest. You’re at a party, having a perfectly pleasant conversation, when suddenly your ex approaches. What do you do? Easy—peace out hard after leaving your “two cents” behind. Kelly Clarkson was so inspired by the TootALoo that she wrote Walk Away as an homage to its majestic power. How could we not love a fart that comes with its own anthem!? Don’t forget to Vine that shit.
This classic fart is a childhood favorite that doesn’t know the meaning of, “Go away!” It smells like rotten eggs that have just made their way through your colon, passed through your rectum, and dropped onto a flaming pile of meat. It smells so horrendous that bystanders can’t help but cry out, “Dayum!” Even if you don’t like this fart here or there, prepare to smell it everywhere! Can you say, “viral”?
One of the warmest but deadliest farts known to man, this beauty will keep you warm and safe as you walk through that dark alleyway in the middle of the night. Like the nightingale’s song, its romantic, rippling cadence will lure predators lurking behind that dumpster out into the light, where you can see ‘em. We love this fart because it gets you the attention you deserve, while also delivering a serious K.O. to the creeps it attracts. There’s no need to pay for those expensive krav maga lessons, because this toot is guaranteed to round kick the shit out of any harasser—IRL or online!
A newbie to the farting world, #Deflategate has managed to win our hearts and our nostrils. We love it as much as Tom Brady loves winning! It’s the perfect fart to use after you’ve consumed a plethora of gas-inducing, game day dishes. So rather than step away from the television to poo, deflate that gate of yours right there on the couch, and you won’t have to miss another passing gas play. Your followers will love this sporty fart!
You can find this fart in da club, sneaking out of tightly clenched, twerking butts. This is the kind of fart you know is coming, but you don’t want to let it out because that dudes face is all up in your ass right now. The #50Clench really gives your cheeks a workout as you drop and grit for 50 seconds. We love this fart because it’s got better control than a vegan in front of a charcuterie plate. Oh, did you just give in and have meat for the first time in a decade? Get ready for a long night of #50Clench, and don’t forget to live-tweet your misery!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s our second favorite fart of them all? #SilentButDeadly! Right answer—but it’ll still crack your mirror. Speaking of crack, this fart can fit through any butt crevasse with nary a sound and still make everyone want to dive out of that at-capacity elevator, nose first. But shhh, it’s a secret! Tweet about it only on a protected account.
Finally, our most deadly, yet really not that deadly, fart of them all—#FartiacArrest. This fart is guaranteed to make you think thrice about that Java Chip Frappuccino you just guzzled down. Symptoms include tightness or pain in the chest, increased heart rate, rapid breathing and a tingling sensation in your anus. Oftentimes, people suffering from fartiac arrest don’t notice the tingling anus and assume they’re having a heart attack, which is why we love this fart to death! When you finally do fart, it brings immediate comfort and the realization that there was nothing to worry about at all. So despite those five minutes of asking anyone in sight if they have an aspirin, this fart gives you the highest assurance that you’re not dying and can continue to eat and drink to your farts’ content! Now that’s sharable!
There you have it: our list of favorite farts that truly make the world a better place for global warming and Twitter. Don’t forget to tweet us (@Reductress) what you’re tooting tonight!