Awards season is ramping up, and actresses are getting ready to answer the traditional red carpet questions: “Who are you wearing?” and “What is that smell?” There’s a lot of pressure on starlets to find the perfect elegant gown to sponge up their stress-induced farts. Let’s take a look back at some leading ladies that nailed this look, topping best-dressed lists and leaving red carpet commentators clueless about what the actresses ate for lunch.
1. Eva Longoria’s Fart Dress
Eva Longoria wore this heavenly chiffon Pucci gown to the Cannes Film Festival in 2010. The rows of lace ruffles add a flirty touch, while their strategic placement blocks her booty burps from getting through. Thick ruffles are great diffusers, so Eva’s sphincter could sing its song all night long without anyone guessing that the noxious cloud in the room came from her.
2. Lupita Nyong’o’s Fart Dress
Lupita Nyong’o may be newer to the red carpet, but she’s certainly no style novice in this gorgeous green Gucci frock. The dainty floral embellishments evoke a blooming garden in springtime and draws your attention upstairs, distracting you from the blooming onion odor leaking out downstairs.
3. Beyoncé’s Fart Dress
Beyoncé sparkled in this gold Elie Saab ensemble at the 2007 Golden Globes. Glitzy gowns are great for covering up the tiny toots sneaking out underneath. The loose pleats create a soft, feminine look that can be sashayed to and fro. Are you whimsically dancing or are you furiously airing out the dead mouse smell blasting out of your butthole? Nobody can tell with this dress!
4. Zooey Deschanel’s Fart Dress
Zooey Deschanel looked red hot in this Oscar de la Renta number from the 2013 Golden Globes. The floor-length A-line skirt is ideal for trapping the hot gaseous blasts erupting from Zooey’s asshole. And who doesn’t love taffeta? The classy fabric adds a subtle sheen and is durable enough for ladies anticipating wet, watery farts. Your juice cleanse will slide right off!
5. Charlize Theron’s Fart Dress
Charlize Theron shone in this sunny Christian Dior gown at 2015’s Cannes fest (called by some insiders a “veritable fart fest”). Long trains are the height of impractical elegance and leave an impression on any room as you walk out. They’re also super effective fart mops for mopping up farts. With a train this long, Charlize can unclench freely, secure in her knowledge that her ghost turds are dragging five feet behind her.
6. Vera Farmiga’s Fart Dress
Vera Farmiga’s bold Marchesa look from the 2010 Oscars is actually a technological breakthrough. This jewel-tone stunner has over a dozen custom-designed fart fans sewn on. A sartorial innovation secretly patented by Marchesa, these sculptural fart fans are constantly in motion, wafting away every last trace of stale rectal wind. With many actresses clamoring to get their hands on this fart fan technology, you can bet that everyone will be wearing a fart fan or twenty on their gowns this Oscar season.
7. What NOT to Wear: Rihanna’s Fart Dress
Rihanna’s cut-out Marchesa gown was terrible for farting. The high-low hemline arced every last one of her weed beefs in front of her, directly at her hordes of adoring fans. Lesson learned: Never wear a dress with tons of tiny holes by your crotch if you plan on baiting amorous skunks with your anus. Everybody knew Rihanna farted that night.
With all these chic and super-absorbent options, starlets will never need to stuff an adult diaper up their Giorgio Armani ever again! See you on the red carpet, farties!
