I Tested 5 Mascaras and a Few Prescription Medications

As a die-hard beauty fiend, I’m on a never-ending quest to find the best, most affordable drugstore makeup out there and also pills. So last weekend I went to Walgreens and bought five different mascaras I’ve been meaning to try, which I will review for you here. I also picked up a few prescription medications that you’re probably going to want to hear about. Let’s see if any of it worked!


Almay Get Up And Grow Mascara (CVS, $6.49)

I have to say, when I put on this mascara, my lashes definitely did look darker than they did before I put it on. Once I applied seven coats and popped a couple of Adderall, though, things started to get weird. And 36 hours later, some of the mascara had smudged below my eyes. Still, this mascara is a good bargain and I would recommend it, especially for those days when your whole system is feeling way, way out of whack.



Mononessa (Actavis, $26.08 for 28-pill pack)

Pretty good stuff. Been on it for what seems like 27 years. I’d say it works, judging by the fact that I have not borne any children. Don’t forget to take it every day though, because if you do, you’ll have to double up the next day, and you might puke. Overall, it’s solid investment, depending on your goals and realistic analysis of various factors including lack of a husband and financial prospects. It might actually be making me depressed, but I tried going off of it once and my whole chin broke out, so I think I’ll stay on it till menopause.


Wet N’ Wild Megaplump Waterproof Mascara (Rite Aid, $2.59)

Holy crap is this mascara cheap! I don’t say that because it’s a bad mascara. I wouldn’t know, actually, because I never recovered enough from the reverse sticker shock to actually unwrap it (small decisions like this are hard for me and I don’t know why). But based on pure emotion, this mascara is a winner. Plus, the packaging is bright pink, so you can find it pretty easily when it rolls under your bed because you drop stuff so often.


Maybelline Great Lash Mascara in Blackest Black (Walgreens, $4.44)

This mascara is remarkable for its price containing nothing but the number 4. It also calls into question the difference between “Blackest Black” and “Very Black”—and why you would settle for something that was very black if you could have a mascara that was even blacker? Maybe “very black” is only $3.33 and that is the difference. Anyway, this is a solid mascara and it does what it’s supposed to do, which is define your eyelashes and give you something to do with a makeup-removing pad before you go to bed if your Effexor hasn’t been managing your OCD as well as it used to.



Wellbutrin (Valeant Pharmaceuticals, $266.39/100 75-mg tablets)

Originally an anti-smoking drug, Wellbutrin is the only antidepressant out there that apparently doesn’t make you into a sex-averse spore. It also makes you not care about anything very much—generally in a good way—so if you did remain an inert and lackluster spore, it wouldn’t bother you that much. Like Mononessa, this drug is also a solid investment depending on your goals and realistic analysis of various factors including lack of husband and financial prospects. I’ve been on it for a month and I feel weird, but a different weird, so I guess that’s better?


Overall, if you like everything in your life to be easy, including picking out a mascara in a sea of choices in which your decision, like everything, doesn’t matter—Wellbutrin is the drug for you. Remember, though, you can always call your doctor back at some point five years down the line and say “Never mind, I want to be sad again,” in which case you’ll have more money to spend on your eyelashes, which might keep you just as happy as your usual drug cocktail would have anyway. Conclusion: Three stars for everything.