Many girls daydream about finding true love from a young age, complete with the perfect wedding dress, the perfect man, and the perfect ring. You’re no exception, and now that you and Josh are starting to talk about the future, you’re more excited than ever. Here’s a list of the five most romantic proposals that Josh not only couldn’t execute but wouldn’t even think of planning:
Beach Sunset Proposal
A surprise proposal during a romantic vacation is a popular proposal for a reason: It’s romantic as fuck. You’re standing before the majesty of the sea with the man you want to spend eternity with, and everyone looks good in that sweet beach dusk. He would get you to the beach with a personalized scavenger hunt involving your friends, sisters, with the penultimate stop being your beaming mother. Unfortunately, Josh has subpar organization skills, has only a mediocre reputation with your parents, and doesn’t go to the beach because he says he’s “allergic to sand.” That’s not a thing, Josh. It’s just not a thing.
Flash Mob Proposal
A standard flash mob proposal would make red-blooded woman’s ovaries drop. The more public, the better, though you’ve probably always imagined it would be timed out exactly with your commute home from work. There you are in the train station, thinking about your day, when out of nowhere the unmistakable tune of your favorite song wafts your way. Other commuters leap into action before revealing Josh at the top of the stairs (there are stairs) and he proposes! Everyone applauds when you say ”yes” and there are a ton of pictures from different angles because of how many people are involved. Sadly, this is just a pipe dream as Josh gets severe social anxiety and claustrophobia from crowded train stations.
Video Proposal
Imagine this: You go see a movie, and instead of a normal film trailer, it’s a thoughtful, personalized video put together as a pre-proposal cry-fest. Sounds great, right? Of course it fucking does. You get so hot thinking about Josh putting months of focused thought into creating something just for you. When the video goes up on YouTube, there will be a picture-in-picture with your reaction as everything unfolds before you, something you can masturbate to for years to come. Of course, this would require Josh to actually bring you to the movies, an activity he calls a “capitalist pastime.”
Sporting Event Proposal
Try not to fantasize about seeing your dream proposal on a Jumbotron in front of tens of thousands of sports fans who become proposal accomplices whether they like it or not. If the love is big enough, the proposal should match, right? Fuck yeah. At the very least it should be covered by the local news. You want Josh to propose to you with no fewer than 10,000 maniacally drunk strangers cheering. Better not hold your breath, though, because Josh is on CitiField’s blacklist after starting an “informal solo protest” in 2011 about the state of the public bathrooms there. What the fuck is wrong with Josh?
Sentimental Home Proposal
It’s so sexy to be with a guy who wants to get mushy about your shared history. That’s why you’re practically liquefying your chair just thinking about an intimate private proposal (still captured in photos, duh) incorporating all of your favorite memories. A backyard proposal with your name spelled out in lights? A relationship shrine erected in your hallway? We’re-Engaged-Now sex literally minutes away? This is a perfect concept that you deserve to have actually happen. Too bad Josh would never do something so intimate, because his tear ducts are inflamed and he’s a weeper, so he’s not going to do anything putting him at risk of a burning cry.
So there you have it: a perfect fucking list to fantasize about during whatever lame goddamn restaurant proposal Josh attempts.
