The 10 Least Powerful Women In Hollywood

Sassy Woman Music

Amidst the press frenzy of young starlets and powerful divas, we sometimes forget to point out the not-so-wildly-successful women in Tinseltown. Here are some of the least notable ladies in the biz:
1. Helen Lippa: Lippa came to Hollywood in 1978, with plans to be the biggest agent around. Unfortunately her refusal to learn how to use email has limited her client list considerably.
2. Meaghan Fawkes: In 2005, aspiring actress Anne Fahrenberger adopted what she thought to be a killer screen name: Meaghan Fawkes. Much to her dismay, she was soon eclipsed by up-and-coming hottie Megan Fox. Fawkes is currently mowing lawns in order to raise money for a new website and headshots.
3. Portia Umansky: The six-year-old daughter of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards is desperate to make a name for herself in the entertainment industry. Unfortunately, young Portia has very little pull in the real-estate/hotel/fashion family business.
4. Nana: This San Fernando free-spirit cleans pools at celebrity homes during the day, in hope of catching the attention of a lounging mogul. But despite six years in aqua-maintenance, she has yet to procure a contract.
5. Janessa Hitler: What’s in a name? Your entire career, apparently. This talented dramatic actress, who graduated at the top of her class at Julliard and also plays five medieval-era instruments, still can’t seem to find representation.
6. Penelope Corteño: Though regarded as the “Meryl Streep of Brazilian fart porn,” Corteño has had almost no DVD sales in North America. She stands as a sad reminder that even if you work hard, you might not always connect with an audience.
7. Holly Bartlett: Blind since birth, Bartlett studied to be a director of photography and graduated with high-honors from Sarah Lawrence. But she soon learned the hard way that hearty encouragement from a progressive university does not always translate into real-world job offers.
8. Alanna Hirsch: Hirsch oversaw the production of every recruitment video put out by her Drexel University sorority, and proved herself to be a sharp producer as well as someone her sisters could count on for extra funding and on-set brownies. But her quest to be the next Jerry Bruckheimer was delayed by an Everest-like mountain of student debt.
9. Hester MacNair: When McNair moved to Tinseltown in 2008, she thought she’d had a million-dollar idea: being the personal assistant to mistresses of stars. Four ferret burials and zero promotions later, Hester is sadly no closer to fame.
10. Ula Janssen: Ula moved to Los Angeles from the Lapland region of upper Scandinavia. With a shiny new commercial vehicle’s license, she had dreams of becoming a chauffeur to the stars. And while she has been fired by four truck companies, Ula has fortunately found a second calling – doing background work for Viking-ghost specials on the History Channel.
For every business magnate in Hollywood, there are fifty hopefuls with a fistful of terrible ideas. It’s a tough battle to be the most inept in town, but these women have sunk below the rest.