Another Thanksgiving, another insufferable visit from your husband’s wretched parents. More like No-Thanksgiving! This year, instead of hoovering three bottles of wine in the linen closet to keep your cool, why not try a little light psychological warfare? Try your hand at these unique and unusual recipes to get those monsters back in their shitty Volvo ASAP:
Shaped bologna animal.
Are Bob and Susan expecting the traditional turkey, tofurkey, or turducken? Sorry folks, but this year it’s time to give thanks for the sick, mutated love child of other meats—bologna. Since no one knows what animal this meat-like substance actually comes from, just go ahead and mold those slimy slices into a vaguely recognizable form with four legs and heck, maybe a tail. It’ll have Bob and Suze saying, “I think we left the stove on.”
Cranberry juice sauce.
Nothing says “Thanksgiving warmth” quite like cranberry sauce, and nothing says “You’re not welcome here” quite like cranberry juice cocktail served in a soup tureen. If the liquid reminder of UTIs doesn’t have them headed for the door, try mentioning how the Pilgrims learned from the Indians that you should always pee right after sex. They’ll be pretending to be asleep before you know it!
Olive Garden breadstick stuffing.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, just between us chefs: it’s Olive Garden breadsticks. Use these buttery logs to fill in any gaps your Bolognasterpiece may have; the delectable carb-overloads should compliment the succulent lard juice of the meat nicely. As Olive Garden would say, “when you’re here, you’re family,” which should be a glaringly obvious hint to the Grimaldis that they should be having dinner over there.
Mashed bananas and gravy.
Banana puree is not only a healthier alternative to the customary potatoes; it’s also something you already have lying around the kitchen! Your baby can skip a meal or two for this worthy expulsive ’cause after all, the poor thing is actually a blood relative of these morons.
Pumpkin spice lattes for dessert.
At this point, the PSL is so widespread that even these geriatrics have heard of it. Presented with this trendy drink (in to go cups of course!), ol’ Bobby and Suze-Suze will be so thrilled with their newfound self-perceived “coolness” that they’ll scarcely notice you hustling them out the door before they can even grab their coats.
Thanksgiving is all about togetherness, giving thanks, happiness—and creating unfixable rifts. Have fun winning this holiday!
