You’ve been together for a while now. He’s got a good job, lives near you, and the sex is bearable. BUT – you’ve started noticing some irksome little habits. He leaves the toilet seat up, smacks his gum, and does just about every single thing on the planet that could possibly drive you insane. It’s not worth breaking up over – god knows the bridge trolls lurking on Tinder wouldn’t be much better. However, there are some small steps you can take towards molding him into a man you aren’t embarrassed to be seen with.
Correct him every single time he mispronounces the word “espresso.”
It’s horrifyingly grating. You’re 1/16th Italian after all, and what would your great-great-great Nona think of that disrespect? Let alone the 17-year-old hipster baristas who roll their eyes every time he orders. Just keep repeating the correct pronunciation back to him loudly and aggressively until it’s drilled into his head.
Paint his apartment.
You know what will look better than that Pulp Fiction poster? A light eggshell/warm maroon color scheme and accent mirrors from Ikea. If you’re afraid this move will seem too forward, try painting small blocks of wall each time you’re over until he agrees to a color.
Replace his creamer with coconut milk.
We all know dairy is garbage, but your boyfriend is resistant to your vegan ways. Trick him by pouring the half and half down the drain and funneling organic coconut milk into the carton. You’ll lower his cholesterol without him ever knowing!
Burn all of his clothes.
Those goddamn band shirts won’t destroy themselves. Whether you want to make this a ceremonial event or go full-on Olivia Pope and hide all evidence they ever existed – this step is crucial. As long as he is dressing like a garbage person, he will be a garbage person, as will you by association. Don’t bother sifting through to find the good pieces, it will be much easier to start from scratch.
Murder his parents.
Are these overbearing enablers encouraging your guy to keep up his lackadaisical lifestyle? Their “support” has left him an adolescent shell of a man-child, and you’ve been forced to pick up the pieces. You’ll obviously have to make it look like an accident, but with Glen and Lori out of the way, your guy will have nowhere to turn other than your supportive, instructive arms. Also you can finally stop spending half of your holidays in fucking Connecticut with a bunch of old Republicans.
These very subtle techniques will slowly but surely turn your boyfriend into the guy he should’ve been in the first place.