They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and they also say that the bangs are the windows to the first-time sexual experience involving a Belle and Sebastian song. If this sounds like you, keep reading to decide which style is right for your sexual history.
Full and Textured
This classic cut is perfect for any face shape, and it shows everyone you meet that your first sexual experience occurred when you were 17 while you were wearing a vintage satin and lace nightgown, probably your grandmother’s, after your high school boyfriend played you “Simple Things” on his acoustic guitar.
Super Blunt
There’s no better way to draw attention to your sparkly blue eyes as well as the fact that you unceremoniously lost your virginity in the bedroom of a house party to a handsome stranger with whom you exchanged some witty banter before following him upstairs and telling your friends you’d meet up with them later while your brother’s band played “Fuck This Shit” than with this blunt style.
Sideswept (Thick)
This bold style works best on oval or square face shapes and women whose first sexual encounters were awkward and dorky while still remaining effortlessly adorable. This style tells everyone that you lost your virginity to your best friend when you kissed each other as a joke while listening to Legal Man and discovered there was a lot of sexual tension there but he was still your best friend so you laughed when you saw his penis.
Sideswept (Wispy)
The thin texture lets people know that your next-door neighbor Jason started playing Tigermilk on vinyl before laying you down on your meticulously made trundle bed (after removing your collection of stuffed animals) and gently taking your virginity.
Baby Bangs
This is a hard look to pull off, but if you have the right cheekbones and aspirational sexual past for it, they’re a high-maintenance style that let people know you lost your virginity to the high school valedictorian (who had been secretly pining for you since freshman year) after he confessed his love for you using coded language in his graduation speech, and that he surprised you by playing “Another Sunny Day” because you didn’t think he even knew about cool bands like Belle and Sebastian.
Thick, Textured, and Multicolored
Not advisable, but if your high school boyfriend took your virginity in his greasy hands after reading you the lyrics to “A Century of Fakers” but pretending that he wrote them as a poem, it’s the only haircut you’ll ever have.
If this resonated with you, it’s high time you scurry down to the hair salon and finally let your fringe reflect your sexual past! Or better yet—cut them yourself in a high school bathroom!
