A new study out of the University of Michigan will likely take all “cause and effect”-heads by surprise, as researchers found that reaping is the leading cause of distress among those who sow.
What the hell? Since when? And how are the two related?
“We found that, by and large, people do a lot of sowing without ever expecting to do any reaping,” said Lead Researchers Fatima Ohad. “They know, logically, that a day will come when they will reap, but when that day arrives, they are still surprised.”
The study confirmed that, among those who sow, 90% describe “reaping” as the worst thing that has ever happened to them, with a level of pain akin to childbirth, and only 15% understand the link between reaping and sowing.
“Look, me and the boys, we love to sow. We get out there every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and man, we sow all across town!” said local 22-year-old Gerard Watts. “But then I come home, and on Monday, Tuesday, even Wednesday, I’m reaping? What’s that all about? I’ll tell you; I hate it.”
Reaping what he has sown causes Gerard so much distress that he’s considering giving up sowing altogether.
“What’s the point of sowing if I’m going to have to reap all of it?” he asked reporters. “It literally sucks so bad.”
Researchers also identified a trend where the link between reaping and sowing has only gotten stronger over the years, heightening the distressing effect.
“I remember sowing all the time when I was a kid,” said Watts’ father, Gerard Sr. “But there was none of this ‘reaping’ business. The world’s changed! Where’s Bruce Springsteen at a time like this?”
The problem is that sowing is quite addictive, much like a drug or a good song.
After a particularly bad bout of reaping, 80% of respondents said they would never sow again, but when researchers caught up with them only one week later, 100% of those respondents had already re-sown.
“Could I have had some foresight when I was sowing? Yes,” said respondent Hannah Wilkins, holding her head after a particularly rowdy night out. “Did I? Absolutely not. Will I sow again? Yes. Do I expect to be reaping post-sow? Over my dead body.”
The news isn’t all bad. Some people reacted positively to reaping because they had sown positive things, but then again, those people are kind of annoying and we’re not really talking about them.
