Study Finds No One Can Do a Pushup, Actually

After an exhausting 20-year study out of the University of Arizona, researchers have concluded that no one can do a pushup, actually – suggesting it might just be altogether impossible.


“Sure, we’ve seen countless athletes pull off some knee pushups or something that resembles a sad, trembling upward dog, but even the strongest and most capable people failed to perform a single, full pushup,” says Anita Shankar, lead researcher on the study. “At first we were surprised, but then we were all sort of relieved that at least we weren’t the only ones who can’t pull this off.”


While millions of people have attempted what is known as “the perfect exercise”, literally nobody can push their entire body upward while remaining in a solid plank position.


“We’re still trying to figure out the reasoning behind it,” says Dr. Shankar. “But right now it seems likely that it’s honestly, it’s just kind of a crazy thing for a person to even try. Like a Korbut flip, or a burpee.”


Researchers looked back into history to see when, if ever, this exercise was successfully performed by anyone at all.


“We’ve seen some evidence that in prehistoric humans were much more physically able to do complex push-and-pull movements,” added Dr. Shankar. “But that ability quickly disappeared once humans invented chairs, simple machines, and bread.”



When asked if humans may one day regain the ability to do a single pushup, the possibilities remain unclear.


“We recommend that people stick to what they know and can perform effectively with good form,” says Dr. Shankar. “Like doing 20-ish crunches, or playing ‘Just Dance’ while sitting down. Just don’t waste your time trying to do something that literally nobody can do – nobody.”