Capitalism-Loving Dad Doesn’t Get Why Things Aren’t Built to Last Anymore

older man

In a puzzling yet unsurprising development out of your hometown, 62-year-old, capitalism-loving dad Robert Schorn doesn’t get why all the things he buys just aren’t built to last anymore.


“I got these sneakers six months ago, and they’re already falling apart,” says Schorn, referencing shoes from a company whose profit relies on exploiting the cheapest labor legally possible and whose products are designed to be replaced four times a year. “Things just aren’t built like they used to be.”


Schorn, who prides himself on his rationality, objectivity, and unclouded decision-making, maintains that capitalism is the superior economic model because deregulation breeds innovation and also because socialism is “evil”.


“At least as an American I’m free to make my own choices,” Schorn says, ordering a replacement screen on Amazon after the frame of his last one broke after three weeks. “I used to get these at that little hardware store down the street, but, you know, they closed.”


While Schorn is frustrated with the short-termism and low quality of present-day manufacturing, he is unwavering in his defense of capitalism.



“That’s the beauty of this system,” Schorn says. “If I’m dissatisfied with the quality of these sneakers, doesn’t matter if I’ve been a lifelong customer, I can take my business elsewhere.”


At press time, Schorn was buying tennis shoes from a subsidiary company of the same corporation that made his original pair, which he will also throw out in six months.