A groundbreaking new study from a research team at the University of Toronto has discovered that everyone can tell when you’re walking on beat to your music, you fanciful fool.
The study, led by Dr. Irene Katz, aimed to get to the bottom of whether or not everyone notices when an absolute jester such as yourself bops down the street in a stride perfectly synchronized to the day’s tunes.
“Our hypothesis was that any onlooker would, of course, know what was going on immediately,” said Dr. Katz. “See, when you power down the road with a disturbingly misplaced bounce and confidence, it’s clearly mapped onto the swinging beat of some unheard funky song in your ear as you bob along like an awkward little shit.”
Through an extensive process of trial and no error because it was so clear all along, the team finally proved that you might as well be holding a jukebox on shoulder at full blast because that’s how obvious it is that you’re practically dancing down the sidewalk, you wretched idiot.
The innovative study has caused a significant ripple in its field, and it’s safe to say everyone will be talking about it for a long time and never forget how you pranced around to that one Vulfpeck song like an animated squirrel.
“Being a part of this research team was really eye-opening for me,” said Ester Eshraghi, a graduate student who worked under Dr. Katz. “I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw how dramatically your pace would slow then suddenly spike upward in order to keep with the beat of your music.”
“It was shocking, even sad,” added Eshraghi. “But it also reminded me of why I got into this in the first place. To save people from this type of unwitting nonsense.”
Dr. Katz agreed that the process was at times emotionally arduous.
“Hard to watch is how I would put it,” said Dr. Katz. “Sometimes I even wished that just once not everyone would be able to tell that you were living inside your own Hall & Oates montage blissfully unaware of the transparency of your actions.”
“I mean, pardon the expression,” she continued. “But what an unfortunate fucker.”
Despite the overwhelming evidence of the study, it seems you have every intention to keep shuffle-ball-changing your sorry ass down the street for the rest of time.
Stride on, you luckless goon!
