In a new study out of the National Institutes of Health, a team of scientists recently discovered that the coronavirus Delta variant was manifested by Gina Solomon, a Brooklyn woman who was unable to secure Punisher tickets before they sold out.
“When cases started to pop up, we were stumped for a while,” says lead researcher, Dr. Shauna Smith. “Usually we are able to figure out the origins of a viral strain through contact tracing, but we simply could not find a patient zero. It felt like we were witnessing a biblical plague.”
Researchers noted that people reported first experiencing symptoms after the first full moon in July, which just so happened to be the night Phoebe Bridgers sold out her nationwide Punisher tour.
“My roommate Gina waited all year for those tickets but wasn’t able to secure a seat,” says Sylvia Matthews, a medical school intern assisting in the study. “When I told her about the Delta variant spreading she was elated. I got suspicious so I snooped around her room and found a folded piece of paper under her pillow with the phrase, ‘There will be another lockdown’ written 100 times.”
“I reported my findings to the team, and being people of science, they were suspicious at first,” Matthews adds. “But ultimately everyone agreed that when put to the test, the theory held water. I also think we’re all pretty burnt out on COVID stuff.”
While the breakthrough is significant in terms of better understanding the highly contagious variant of SARS-CoV-2, Solomon is not agreeing to cooperate with further scientific investigation.
“I’d do it again,” Solomon says. “If I can’t witness her smashing her guitar to ‘I Know the End’ live, then no one can.”.
Researchers at the CDC are asking civilians to hold off on their vengeful manifestation rituals until cases hit a plateau. Government officials are also threatening $1,000 fines for each successful incantation.
