A study published by the University of Florida has concluded that the best time to do your dishes is when you’re fucking pissed at your roommate and don’t want to say it with your words.
“There are a lot of factors that go into pinpointing something like this,” said Lead Researcher Tyra Bennet. “We measured things like the return on energy investment for each dishwashing time, when doing the dishes brings the most joy, et cetera. Turns out, it’s best to do the dishes when you’re fucking pissed at your roommate for not doing them sooner, and it helps if you really bang around a bunch.”
The study found that doing the dishes right when you use them is all well and good, but it doesn’t quite compare to doing them in the middle of the night or early in the morning when it’s clear your roommate hasn’t done their share.
“Among our sample population, respondents found the most joy in doing the dishes when it also doubled as a political statement,” Tyra continued. “That way, doing the dishes really meant something. It meant, ‘I guess I’ll be altruistic and do your dishes, too, you sick fuck.’”
The study found that when there’s no ulterior motive, the dishes often will simply not get done, as there needs to be a backstory to inform the washing.
As evidence of this, Tyra cited that most people who live alone have some dishes lying around.
“Without social pressure, we naturally tend towards chaos,” she continued. “Doing the dishes just doesn’t hit the same way when you’re not pissed at your roommate.”
Upon publication of the study, the general public did not appear surprised.
“Yeah, I love doing the dishes when I’m mad,” said 24-year-old Petra Hanson. “It really makes the chore fly by! Bonus points if I get to mutter stuff under my breath angrily and splash around in the water in an overexaggerated way. That really hits the spot.”
Sources confirm 85% of dishes were washed while the washer was furious, while the other 15% were washed to ensure someone else would not be furious.
This angry washing creates a cycle where each roommate performs their chores, not because they want to, but because they want to stick it to the other.
“If my roommate loudly washes the dishes, then yeah, I’m going to loudly take out the trash,” Petra weighed in. “It’s just how cohabitation works.”
