Oh my god, hi everyone! You guys, I am so, so sorry I’m late but I promise you, I had an emergency. For real. Before we start this party in which Debbie tries to get us to buy different kinds of baskets so she can buy baskets at a cheaper price, I just want to apologize for being late cause I got super duper lost in my purse and I couldn’t get out.
You all know how I’ve been thinking about transitioning from a large leather bucket bag to a much smaller cross-body bag? Well, I think now’s the time because that big ol’ bag of mine is an actual labyrinth! Haha! But seriously I just got lost in it for at least two hours.
Before I left my house, I figured I’d put on some lipstick. I opened up my purse, and was immediately overwhelmed! First, I was distracted by a pack of gum. Upon seeing it, I realized I would love some gum. But not that kind! This was fruity, but I wanted something minty. So I started digging some more. But when I reached deeper into the bag, I got sucked inside! So I’m super sorry for missing cocktails an hour ago! Getting completely lost inside my purse took a lot longer than expected!
The weird thing was, I was surrounded by all of the things I remembered putting in my purse but could never find again: an unopened box of tampons, a tax return from 2010, a VHS copy of The Parent Trap, my grandfather’s urn, and a $20 bill. I know! It’s so crazy! I didn’t even know Grandpa was dead! He died in my bag after he fell in at his last birthday party. Oops!
Now, I’m no stranger to getting lost in my thoughts. Dreaming up situations in which I’m pretending to hang out with Gwyneth Paltrow does account for a solid number of my late arrivals. However, this experience was even more hypnotic than when I imagine Gwyneth telling me that my brows are well defined. Shit got super weird in there!
After I found my retainer and finally the lipstick, I pulled myself out of the purse to discover that two hours had passed, also I can sort of read minds now! I’d show you what’s inside my purse to prove it, but then you’d all just get lost in there, too and I definitely don’t want you to end up like Grandpa.
So, sorry I’m late. Seriously – SERIOUSLY – this is not like last time when I fell asleep in the bathtub trying to decide what color to paint my nails. I literally got lost in my purse and I’m so so sorry!
