Despite her self-appointed title of peacekeeper within the friend group, Chelsea Byrd confirmed long-held suspicions this week of being nothing more than a goddamn yellow-bellied coward.
“She always said she hated fighting,” reports friend Alexis Knight, who fulfills the group’s notorious ‘vodka aunt’ role. “But I guess that’s code for ‘straight-up motherfucking coward.’”
The ‘peacekeeper’ title was formally revoked this weekend when Chelsea proved herself to be utter chicken liver during a confrontation between Alexis and Laura Mullins. In private, Chelsea was eager to talk shit about Laura with Alexis, but when Alexis decided it was time for an official confrontation, Chelsea was nowhere to be found.
According to Alexis, Chelsea was “gung-ho” about volunteering to be a mediator in order to help appropriately manage the conflict. However, when the time for confrontation came, Chelsea backed down and fled the scene like the objectively lily-livered coward that she is.
“As soon as I got to Alexis’s place,” reports Laura, “Chelsea was literally sprinting out the back door.”
Jamie Ward, the clique’s undeniable ‘meme queen,’ attested further: “This shouldn’t be a surprise. Ever since she kept contact with Jen – even after what Jen pulled at the waterpark – it’s been an open secret that Chelsea is spineless and has no real loyalties.”
Under the safe cover of ‘peacekeeper,’ Chelsea’s crippling fear of conflict was masked by a number of sly techniques. For one, her Instagram bio reads “a lover, not a fighter.” But she practices a historic lack of engagement in the group chat, notably whenever people are trying to make plans, a sign of a true pigeon-hearted craven.
Chelsea’s friends can now look back with clarity on one of her favorite conflict-avoidance tactics: running out the clock by talking in circles. For instance, when cornered about whether she actually sent in her absentee ballot for the 2018 midterms, Chelsea began her response with, “Well, the thing about politics…” and then ended nine minutes later with no concrete opinions, values, or answers stated. In other words, Chelsea is patently gutless.
The truth behind the ‘peacekeeper’ comes as a further blow to a group already wracked by a mislabeled ‘mom’ of the squad. For years, the coveted role has been controversially claimed by Tori Jenkins, who defends this claim solely due to the amount of lip balm she carries on her person at any given moment; meanwhile, as so-called ‘mom,’ she conveniently ignores her penchant for wandering off alone when drunk.
Pressed for comments, Chelsea told reporters that she “loves everyone” and is “just trying to stay out of it.”