You’re a hardcore, full-throttle exhibitionist and you’re not ashamed of it. But sometimes, it’s just not convenient to be “out” to each and every person who walks by your home. You don’t want to go completely curtain-free, but you do want your neighbors to be able to watch you get naked, no matter what. The answer? Sheer curtains! These babies may seem demure, but trust us: Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins will still be able to see you and your unwitting partner as things get steamy—at least in silhouette. Here are four things to look for when choosing curtains as an unapologetic (but kind of secretive) exhibitionist:
To your sexual conquests and other visitors, these drapes will look pleasant, airy, and innocent. Only you will know their true purpose: boob-revealing transparency. Let them believe that you have elegant taste while you worry about stalling the main event until you know that at least four of your neighbors are home from work. You embrace the fact that you can only get off if you think you’re being watched, but that doesn’t mean it’s anyone’s business but yours!
Oh, you couldn’t tell how long the curtains were in the package and accidentally bought ones that were too short? That’s a cute story, which you can and should tell people who eye your drapes quizzically as you slow dance naked in the living room. We know you bought them on purpose in order to give passersby a better view, but we’re not telling! Now the trick is to get your looks-like-their-pictures Tinder date to bone you on your desk, which you’ve strategically placed directly below your window. Nice!
Big Ol’ Holes
Not trying to spend money on new, peep-friendly curtains? We feel you! Upcycle your old, prudish curtains by tearing huge holes in them. Your date will be impressed by your rugged aesthetic and you’ll be thrilled when you see cars slowing down to watch. For an instant turn-on when you’re on your own, simply stick a boob through one of the holes. Bye-bye judgment; hello multiple orgasms that everyone on the block can see.
Flimsy Curtain Rod
Is the idea of having even the thinnest layer of gauze between you and your “viewers” harshing your sexual buzz? Try this more dramatic tactic: Put up normal curtains, but don’t tighten the rod all the way. Once you and your none-the-wiser bae start going at it, the bouncing movement should be enough to make the rod fall—leaving you blissfully exposed. (If it doesn’t fall on its own, simply grab the curtain in a “fit of passion”.) If your lover seems alarmed, whisper, “I’ll deal with it later. I can’t bear to stop right now,” then wink out the window at your audience. Score!
It can be hard out there for exhibitionists, especially when you don’t feel like explaining your kink to each and every person you bed. You don’t have to go window-commando anymore thanks to sheer curtains! We hope these decorating suggestions will make things a little easier—and a lot more visible! Happy flashing!