After 25 long years of scientific investigation, researchers out of the UCLA Herb Alpert School of Music have finally given up on finding a dignified way to describe a song to your friends. Scientists have unfortunately concluded that you do, indeed, have to sing a little of it.
“We’re as dissatisfied with this result as the rest of the public,” said lead researcher Renée Pierce. “There’s nothing quite as humiliating as trying to describe a song to no avail and being forced to hum the tune for a sec, but sadly it’s the only way to get the job done.”
Other methods that scientists explored included: speaking the lyrics in a monotone voice, clapping the rhythm, or mentioning the artist, album, and excitedly yelling, “You know it! You know it.”
However, vague descriptions like, “It’s by that guy who was on the…the show!” sadly do not hold a candle to the tried-and-true method of letting your inner Kelly Clarkson take the wheel.
The news comes as a particular blow to the tone-deaf community, many of whom have resigned to never mentioning a song again.
“It’s simply not worth it,” said local teen Matt Lee, who once tried to describe Beyoncé’s “Love on Top” to a friend and had to transfer schools. “I suppose from here on out, if I’m thinking of a song, I’ll just keep that to myself.”
Alternatively, reporters confirmed that this is great news for people who have sneakily good voices, but we’ve declined to get their input, as we’ve already heard enough from them at birthdays, concerts, and moments on long drives when everything is finally quiet.
Demonstrations broke out in the streets upon release of this finding. However, when organizers tried to get the crowd to chant the lyrics to “We Are The World,” they had to sing the song a little bit, and the crowd dispersed out of embarrassment.
In a glimmer of hope, scientists confirmed there are ways to make the experience more bearable, for example, by singing a sped up version of the song as if to say, “I literally don’t care that I’m singing out loud right now. It doesn’t bother me at all.”
While Pierce did not find a better way to describe a song than singing it, she did identify which song is objectively the worst to sing: “Oh, for sure the opening notes of ‘Take Me to Church’ where Hozier goes, ‘My lover’s got huuumor.’”
