After decades of painstaking research, scientists at Oxford University have finally identified the scariest string of words in the English language: “I’ll trim them myself.”
“We combed through hundreds of years of historical texts,” said lead researcher Dr. Simone León. “All the way from the Gutenberg Bible, through Shakespeare’s tragedies, even to modern horror films like Ari Aster’s 2018 hit, Hereditary. None of it was as scary as when a woman looks in the mirror, takes a deep breath, and says, ‘I’ll trim them myself.’”
Scientists confirm that there isn’t a single person alive qualified to trim their bangs themselves.
“Even the best hairdressers go to other hairdressers to get their bangs trimmed,” Dr. Leon added. “Because they know what we know: you cannot be trusted with scissors near your own head.”
Research shows that nine times out of 10, you will go too short, and one time out of 10, you will be so scared of going too short that you will go too long. Scientists call this phenomenon, “the coward’s gamble.”
Other phrases that were in the running for “scariest words” include: “I’ll finish it first thing in the morning,” “Just circling back on my last email,” and “I’m pretty sure I could make neon yellow work.” Popular frontrunners like, “Boo” or “He’s right behind you” didn’t even come close.
While scientists expected pushback following the release of their findings, everyone has pretty much been in universal agreement.
“That sounds right,” said local mom Heidi Weiner. “If I hear something like ‘I’ll trim them myself,’ I get immediate flashbacks to my accidental micro bangs phase. It’s a real trauma response.”
When reporters reminded Heidi that the term “trauma” is reserved for intensely scary, emotionally distressing experiences, she replied, “I said what I said.”
When asked about the impact of her work, Dr. Leon said, “It’s been beautiful to see how many people have come out of the woodwork to share their stories and, frankly, heal. This stuff is scary, but trimming your bangs yourself does not define you. It simply defines you for four to six weeks.”
To provide a more lighthearted alternative to this troubling finding, scientists have also pinpointed the most relieving words in the English language which are, “I’m growing them out.”
