Scientists from the University of Toronto’s renowned Heavy Metals Lab have confirmed that now is the time to start thinking of your Halloween costume or it’s literally going to be too late.
“By the time it gets to the first week of October, if you haven’t already decided on a Halloween costume, you might as well kill yourself,” said Lead Researcher Brianna Hayes. “There’s absolutely no way you’re going to come up with a snarky yet sexy Halloween costume in time.”
Researchers confirmed that if you haven’t decided on a Halloween costume by the time you’re done reading this, there is a 95% chance you’re going to be stuck going as something dumb like a boxer or a student. There is a smaller, 5% chance that you’re going to adopt a “dressing up is stupid, anyway” mentality to cope with the pain of not having thought of something, and this will cause a negative social ricochet effect that is hard to quantify.
“If you’re not ideating as we speak,” Professor Makayla Damas chimed in. “You’re going to get to the day before Halloween weekend – Halloweekend, as researchers call it – and be forced to order something super bare bones and expensive online.”
But isn’t ordering something last minute from an online reseller ultimately okay, you ask? Researchers say: No.
“It would be okay if the costume got to you in time,” Brianna qualified. “But obviously it won’t. Of course it won’t. That would be too easy.”
According to heavily peer-reviewed metrics, the online store will tell you it can ship in one to two days, but the costume will end up arriving late on the second day. This means you’ll attend the first party of the weekend with no costume at all and be forced to tell everyone about the “thing you plan to dress up as tomorrow.”
“It’s social suicide,” Professor Damas continued. “Now we’re supposed to imagine what your costume will look like tomorrow? Why am I doing the work?”
No one will let on, but scientists estimate this will cause a marked decrease in respect for you among your friend group and a 600% decrease in all romantic prospects.
“This sort of thing is especially tough because Halloweekend has the highest percent chance of you getting some,” Brianna continued, “Even higher than Valentine’s Day.”
Researchers did a tangential study in which they found Halloween weekend is statistically the best time to kiss your crush, as the costumes diffuse awkward tension, and the oncoming cold air triggers a biological instinct to smooch and settle down.
“So basically, if you haven’t already started thinking of your Halloween costume by now,” Brianna concluded. “You’re about to be single until next May.”
