Citing severe budget constraints, Oak Park High School in Kansas City, MO announced it would be reducing funding to the school’s performance and visual arts programs to five Box Tops for Education this month.
“When allocating the final 15% of our U.S. dollars-based budget, we weighed the benefits of hiring a band teacher versus new football uniforms which had not been updated since the end of last season,” said Superintendent Tim Cowens. “Then I realized what I had to do was find a compromise. And we did that by spending all of the money on the uniforms and letting the art department know they can use Box Tops or whatever.”
Cowens added: “I think everyone will be pleased about this.”
The school board announced that if students want enriching creative programs to continue, each student’s cereal intake must increase drastically.
“I’ve eaten nothing but Lucky Charms this week,” said freshman orchestra member James Henson, whose eight boxes of marshmallow cereal in three days increased the school’s instrument budget by $.80 for the year. “I really hope I don’t have to give up the violin, and that my vision unblurs soon so I can see sheet music. I think I need some protein.”
Not all students have contributed as successfully. Junior Charlotte O’Hara ate Cocoa Pebbles for four weeks straight only to realize that the chocolatey flakes are made by Post which unlike General Mills does not contribute a generous $.10 per box to schools.
“If only I had been cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs instead,” said the young potter. “We might have lights in the art room right now.”
In addition to the Arts, the History and Math departments at Oak Park also saw their budgets slashed to 15 Chuck E. Cheese tickets apiece. Given the sophomore class’s well-documented deficiencies in Skee-Ball they are unlikely to learn about World War I or complementary angles anytime soon.
Having heard of the troubling situation, General Mills announced that they themselves would be making a $50,000 donation to help sure up the finances of the school’s football program.