REPORT: The Hospital Makes You Take the Baby Home and Then You Have to Take Care of It

In earth-shattering news shocking parents across the country, it’s being reported that the hospital eventually makes you take the baby home after you give birth to it in the hospital – at which point, it’s up to you to take care of the thing.


Yup, you read that right: Those doctors and nurses who supposedly “dedicate their lives to helping people” completely abandon you and send you off into world with that terrifying, tiny little thing without any help from them whatsoever.


Word spread quickly across the parent-to-be community soon after the report was released.


“What do you mean?” said soon-to-be-parents, Matt and Daisy Jackson. “We thought we just left the baby there so the people who worked there could play with it? Why would we want to take it home?”


When told that that’s not at all how it works, the couple was in disbelief.


“Does everyone know about this?” Daisy asked. “Why don’t they tell you that before you get pregnant? It seems kind of unfair.”


Following extreme backlash and national outrage over the report, nurses and doctors across the medical system defended the practice.



“While we understand that bringing a child into the world may be one of the most magical, but stressful times in a person’s life, we’re not about to bring all that stress on us. We have enough going on,” said Dr. Maria Jones. “You got yourselves into this mess. We’ll do what we need to do, but we’re not going to bend over backwards for you.”


Unfortunately, news of this report did not spread quickly enough to some new parents who found out soon after welcoming their little bundle of joy into the world.


We caught up with new parents Jason Jacobson and Morgan Jones who couldn’t have been more overjoyed about their new baby Blake.


“We love her so much. We’re just so happy we could provide the hospital with a new baby for their baby supply,” said Jones. “We feel like we’ve really done our part for them.”


Our sources later saw the couple leaving the hospital in complete and utter shock, both bewildered at what just transpired, wondering what they hell they were supposed to do with this thing.


“This is just really irresponsible on their part,” Jacobson told reporters outside the hospital. “I wasn’t expecting them to just leave us hanging like this at all.”


Expectant parent groups across the country later released a statement about the report, stating simply, “Wait, what the fuck?”


Well said, parents.