In a report coming out of the National Institute for Food Safety, scientists have confirmed that if you’re googling how long an item lasts in the fridge, you should honestly just throw it out now.
“We’ve been trying to identify precise expiry dates on all produce and dairy products for decades,” said lead researcher Elad Locke. “But at a certain point, we realized people are being so dumb that it’s probably best to just issue a blanket statement. If you’re googling, it’s already bad. It’ll upset your tummy. Just trust us.”
The study found that on average, if someone googled whether an item in the fridge was still safe to eat, they had surpassed the “safe to eat” window by about three to four weeks.
“If your yogurt has been in the fridge for five days, you’re not googling whether it’s gone bad,” Locke continued. “You only start googling when it’s been six months, you’ve found an open container behind several other half-eaten containers, and there’s already some visible growth on it. At that point, put the yogurt down, son. Pick up a bible.”
Following the publication of the report, Google has flagged each of these searches and now displays a blanket window that says in all caps, “FORGET IT! IT’S BAD!”
This study comes as a relief to many absent-minded consumers like Massachusetts local Don Trager who, in the process of cleaning out his own fridge last week, searched “[item] last in fridge how long?” approximately 74 times.
“I would say I’ve never made it to the end of a wedge of parmesan cheese in under a year,” Trager told reporters from the floor of his kitchen, where he was inspecting a head of broccoli purchased in 2021 to see if it was still edible.
When asked how long he thought a bag of spinach could sit in the fridge before it went bad, Trager answered, “I don’t know, four to five months?”
Sources confirm the correct answer is 10 days. Trager’s fridge has since been declared a biohazard.
“Don’t be a hero,” Locke said. “It’s so gross. Literally just compost it. Think of your kids.”
At press time, Trager had moved onto his pantry. He was seen inspecting a carton of saltines from 1965 and googling, “Crackers don’t go bad, right?”
