REPORT: Hands Too Cold to Masturbate

In breaking news coming from a one bedroom apartment in Toronto, 28-year-old Kareena Batra’s hands are too cold for her to masturbate.


“How am I ever going to fall asleep now?” Kareena says. “I can’t believe my own body is betraying me like this.”


Kareena is used to dealing with patriarchal temperatures in other facets of her life, but when it started interfering with her masturbation habits, that’s where she drew the line.


“I can handle being cold at work all day, but when it comes to this, I need to take action,” Kareena says. “Call me crazy, but I think masturbating is more important than a day job. Plus, you’re supposed to be miserable when you’re at work, not when you’re jerking it in the comfort of your own home”.



“I mean my vagina recoiled from my own touch,” Kareena adds. “What could be worse?”


This is one of many incidents that highlight the importance of room temperature hands in all aspects of life, but especially this one.


“I tried to wear some oven mitts that I never use but it went as well as you can imagine,” Kareena says. “Not well, to be clear.”


“I also tried rubbing my hands together like a sexy little fly to make them warmer but then I couldn’t stop thinking about whether flies masturbate,” Kareena adds. “Then I had to google it and I found out that they don’t, probably because they can’t, which I guess made me feel less alone. So that was something at least.”


A few choice google searches later, Kareena was informed and ready to make some real life changes so that this never happens again.


“I’m looking into tummo meditation used by monks in eastern Tibet to increase their body heat by visualizing fire. It has so many benefits. Other than being able to masturbate at a comfortable temperature that is.” Kareena told us. “Though I suppose monks don’t masturbate generally. They’re kinda like flies that way.”


Kareena has since raised funds for her new business idea: heated vibrators.


“This will do for hands what Japanese heated toilet seats have done for butts,” says Kareena proudly.


We certainly hope so!