In a new report emerging from your bedroom as you pick an outfit for today, it appears every single pair of jeans you own are a little bit period stained.
As you went to the bathroom a few minutes ago, you became aware that you’d surprisingly bled straight through your tampon and onto your jeans…again. Sources confirm you then checked all five pairs of jeans in your closet – even the black ones – only to find the familiar red blotch that sits in the seam but luckily does not pass through the material.
“I guess I forgot that these ones are period stained, too,” you told reporters gathered at the scene as you cycled through the last pair of pants. “Is that bad? I mean, it’s not like it damages the jeans. I guess I just can’t let anyone see the inside, but that doesn’t happen often anyway.”
You quickly tried to explain yourself to reporters, even though none of them were really demanding that of you.
“It’s not that I don’t wash my jeans when I notice I’ve bled through – I do!” you continued. “It’s just that it’s really hard to get blood out of denim! It’s a stubborn fabric! That shit is really in there. I swear, it’s not me.”
While not inherently evil, the presence of period stains on every article of clothing you own for your legs does make you extremely hesitant to lend pants to friends in need.
“One time a friend stayed over at my place serendipitously and spilled some water on herself right before leaving,” you continued. “She asked if she could borrow a pair of jeans for the road and before I even knew it, I heard myself yelling, ‘NO, GOD NO. DON’T LOOK IN THERE,’ in a voice that did not sound like my own.”
In order to make you feel less alone, reporters did a survey of people in the area and found out that about 90% of those who do get periods had as many if not more period-stained pants than you.
“Oh yeah, it’s chic!” said local barista Rhiannon White. “If you don’t have period-stained jeans it’s like, who do you think you are? Oh, so you’re perfect?”
As of press time, you decided maybe this was not an amazing mentality to have and instead treated yourself to a new pair of jeans. You promptly stained those, too.