Is that dazed-looking, dust-covered man with his hand in his pocket still looking at you from across this distressingly empty bus? Oh god. Oh god. Okay. Here’s what you do: Just pretend to read this super interesting article!
Wow, what an interesting piece of writing this is; you’re so wrapped up in it that you couldn’t possibly make eye contact with him. Nod your head here so he can tell that you’re really engaged, like, “Yeah, I totally understand what’s going on in Palestine right now.” Good, good. He’s buying it.
Now nod a lot, like your assumptions have been confirmed. Hey, good nodding! That nodding looks like the nodding of a person who doesn’t have time to be cornered on her way home. She’s got business stuff to read! By this point, he probably thinks it’s a work email or something. He won’t assault you if your disappearance will be quickly noticed by coworkers.
Shit, he’s still looking, isn’t he? NO, DON’T LOOK UP! Ugh, too late. Eye contact. Oh fuck.
Keep reading.
Here’s a list of nouns so you can move your thumb to scroll down.
- Pinwheel
- Turnip
- European Dance Hall
- Seattle
- Dalmatian
- Lincoln Memorial
Is he still looking?
Here, we’ll put in some ellipses so you don’t lose your spot while looking out of the very tippy top of your eyeballs. Go ahead, look now…………………….
Jesus, what is his deal? Don’t switch seats; Bus terrors are attracted to movement. We’ll just make this article longer.
So… like, what’s up? Is everything cool at work?
Listen, I don’t really know what to do in this situation either; we’re all just trying not to get rubbed up against.
Christ, how many more stops until you can get off? Maybe you should get off a couple stops earlier so he doesn’t know where you live. Wait, but what if he follows you? Should you stay on the bus until he leaves? What if he never leaves and then you get locked in the bus station all night together? Does that happen? How do bus stations work?
Listen: Just get off at your stop, and if he follows you, then pretend you left something on the bus and hop back on just as the doors are closing, Indiana Jones style! You’re the idol, baby!
Okay, you missed your stop. Fuck. Keep reading.
Man, you’re so invested in this article right now, no time for you, Mr. Murderman. Quick – shake your head and cover your mouth like you just read a statistic or something. Wait, don’t cover your mouth – that might give him ideas.
Well, it’s the end of the article. Hope this was helpful. Good luck!
