There is a special, forgotten art that lies in sexual storytelling. It takes two key factors: specifics and nonchalance. Are you constantly shuffling your made-up V-card stories for different people in different contexts? Here’s how to craft the perfect story about when you totally lost your virginity:
Imagine you were actually there, having sex. Pick a place where you’ve been many times – where you can describe as much as possible. A “lavish beach house” is not going to get you anywhere. Hotel room? Too contrived. The basement of his childhood home one weekend night when his parents weren’t around? Yes. That stained, uncomfortable futon. The movie you couldn’t finish – Superbad. Don’t you dare say it was The Reader. No one would sit through that with you, unless you were physically attractive enough to actually not be a virgin.
Never tell your story with excitement, eagerness or specialness. Tell it like you are describing the breakfast that you ate that morning. “Yeah, the eggs were runny, but whatever.” Because remember: not only have you lost your viriginity, but sex is, like, totally not a big deal for you. You definitely did it then and have done it many times since. Whatever, who cares?
And remember: it wasn’t good. It was sloppy and messy because that’s how everybody everywhere describes it. Wouldn’t you still be with that person if it were amazing? This was “acne Mark” from calculus class who took you to prom and you were doing him a favor. STICK TO THIS OR SOME SLIGHT VARIATION ONLY.
Remember: a loss of virginity story that sounds too good to be true usually is. Be sure to sound slightly embarrassed while divulging all the mediocre details. Nothing smells virgin-ier than a hot loss of virginity story.