The hardest part of cleaning out your wardrobe is figuring out what panties to keep and which ones to throw away. Are those skivvies destined for a hot date or a hot dumpster? Take this quiz to find out:
How many partners have those panties seen?
A. Several, they’re my nice date panties.
B. Just my boyfriend. I got these panties in a 12-pack at Target after we started dating.
C. My roommate picked them out of the trash once and said, “These still seem good.”
D. Everybody from my OKCupid post-breakup spree. One disappointment after another. None of them made me feel whole, though…nothing like Paul made me feel.
What color are those panties?
A. Black lace.
B. White with flowers or some shit.
C. Crusty.
D. The color of Paul’s eyes – a calming sort of greenish blue. Somewhere between teal and turquoise. I could never capture it in a picture.
Are there holes in those panties?
A. They’re crotchless panties. Does that count?
B. There are holes in everything I own. Mending is for girls who still have something to prove.
C. So many holes that just keep growing. I don’t know where they come from. Some kind of fungus?
D. A few. Silly Paul, he didn’t realize they were supposed to go on the gentle cycle. I lectured him about it, but I won’t do that anymore. I promise. No more nagging, ever again.
Do you have enough underwear that you can throw these panties out without disturbing your laundry cycle?
A. I don’t have a lot of panties. I keep accidentally leaving them places.
B. I’ll just wear my boyfriend’s boxers or go commando.
C. This is my only pair. I’ve been wearing them for weeks.
D. I have plenty of underwear. What I don’t have is a text back from Paul. What is he doing that he can’t text me back?
Would you be embarrassed to be found wearing those panties if you were in a massive car accident?
A. A little, they are not modest. Then again, there might be some hot EMTs.
B. Nobody cares how I look, not that I’d give a fuck.
C. I don’t think these are supposed to be introduced to a sterile environment.
D. I’ve been in an accident? Did Paul call to see how I’m doing? He’s still my emergency contact. I have his number memorized if you need it.
Results:
If you answered mostly A’s, those panties are hot. They are approved for all occasions.
If you answered mostly B’s, those panties are for when you are in the giving-up stage of a relationship. They’re fine, whatever. Just wear them until they eventually fall apart, I guess.
If you answered mostly C’s, put those nasty things in the TRASH. What are you, some kind of mole person?
If you answered mostly D’s, you have to keep those panties. What if Paul asks for them back? What if he wants you back, only to find you’ve destroyed all of the tokens from your time together? You have to keep them. This is your only hope that Paul might return.
