Competent Woman Excels in Carrying Out Tasks

“I guess you could say I’m a person who gets things done,” said Mary Quails, a competent woman who excels in carrying out tasks.


As an office manager at a local office, Quails has made waves with her astounding proficiency. A relentless champion of completion, Quails responds to literally tens of emails every single day. Sources confirm she is frequently spotted using Microsoft Excel, using bcc: properly, and executing the use of grammar and punctuation adequately. “She even taught me how to make an em dash in Word,” said CEO Hank Walls. “I mean, who knew?”


“Mary’s email game is on point,” said less efficient but more accurate receptionist, Jessie Terkilsen. “She once used an asterisk, and not to make a kissy face. At first I was confused, but then I was like, ‘Wow, that’s what that’s for.’”


Outside the office, Quails conquers all corners of her life that necessitate conquering. This past Tuesday, she successfully ordered pizza for the entire office. She managed to get the right amount of pies with the right toppings and also remembered Marcia R.’s side salad. “It was crazy,” said one manager. “Only some of our office managers have ever pulled that off.”



Unsurprisingly, Mary has won awards for her raw talents. She is also the nation’s fastest melon-baller and quietest cereal box-opener.


“It’s like a superpower or something,” said acquaintance, McKenna. “One time I asked Mary to help me find the stapler, and she pulled a drawer open on my desk and pulled out a stapler. She’s a warrior.”


In her spare time, Mary turns door knobs, opens drawers, puts on shoes, closes drawers, forwards emails, ties shoes, gives birth, calculates, and high-fives her five nephews, ages 3-11. “Mostly junk drawers though,” said Quails, sorting through the junk drawer of a neighbor who had not given her permission to enter her house. “I just like getting things done.”


“I’m doing what I was born to do,” says Mary, emoting tones suggesting an average amount of wisdom in her voice.